CHRISTOPHER LUXON
Fantastic National Party Xmas office party last night at my place.
I charted a positive course that was about going forwards instead of backwards, and delivered results and outcomes by making sure there were enough cheese and crackers to last all night.
"There’s nothing to drink," Mark Mitchell pointed out.
"The invite said BYO," I said. But it seems no-one got the message, and the Cabinet stood around the edges of the room with nothing in their hands.
"Help yourselves to cheese and crackers," I said.
"They ran out an hour ago," Nicola Wills pointed out.
"That’s not possible."
"Do you see any cheese and crackers?"
"No," I said, "but I see Chris Bishop looking pretty full of himself. Maybe you should ask him who ate all the cheese and crackers."
"I didn’t touch your lousy cheese and crackers," he pointed out.
"OK," I said. "Let’s see what the Cabinet thinks. Those who think I’m right, and that Bish ate all the cheese and crackers, line up behind me. Those who think Bish didn’t even touch the cheese and crackers, line up behind him."
Nobody moved. Sensibly, everyone left early, so we would all be fresh the next morning to unlock economic growth.
CHRIS HIPKINS
Fantastic Labour Party Xmas office party last night at my place. Labour’s Cabinet is very hard-working and forever solving issues at grassroots level with constituents, so only one MP was able to make it.
"Merry Xmas, Kieran," I said.
He smiled thinly and headed for the drinks trolley.
"Help yourself," I said.
He poured a glass, and sat down with a plate of cheese and crackers. The thing about crackers is that they tend to crumble. It’s a universal problem and I’ll look into what can be done about it in the new year.
As a temporary solution, I got out the hand-held Anko vacuum cleaner and hoovered up the crumbs on the carpet around Kieran’s feet.
He left early, and I got to work on the wine mark his glass had left on the table.
CHLOE SWARBRICK
Fantastic Green Party Xmas office party last night at my apartment. Things got a little bit awkward when Benjamin Doyle turned up.
I offered them cheese and crackers. They said, "How dare you call me crackers, it’s disrespectful to people in the rainbow community with mental health issues," and went on and on about it all night, and just wouldn’t listen when I tried to explain. Otherwise it was a lot of fun.
Fantastic Act New Zealand Xmas office party last night at an Atlas Network holiday home on Waiheke marred only by the catering.
We got in a school lunch provider to make platters but they were disgusting, and brought on an outbreak of giardia. Otherwise it was a lot of fun.
RAWIRI WAITITI
Fantastic Te Pāti Māori Xmas office party last night at my castle on a remote crag in the mountains. No-one came.
There was no alcohol, no food, and no music — nothing to get in the way of my ability to enjoy unbridled power, a mission which is anchored in tikanga and kawa, and in the spirit of the oranga of our people, our mokopuna the land and te iwi Māori katoa or something.
WINSTON PETERS
Fantastic New Zealand First Xmas office party last night at my place.
Everyone ate and drank, and danced until dawn. Feliz Navidad!
