• The kiss of death
The Last Word can think of few people it would less like to receive a kiss on the head from than Graham Henry.
Anyone with swine flu, obviously. Gerry Brownlee. Those three Balclutha rugby players who enjoyed a nude bath together.
That was a truly surreal moment before last week's test at Carisbrook when the normally taciturn Henry leaned over and planted a smooch on the scalp of his new skipper, Mils Muliaina.
Who was more shocked: us or Muliaina?
Given the way the All Blacks played the following day - like girls - can we urge Henry to keep his lips to himself from now on.
• Lack of depth . . .
Look, it's not time to panic - yet.
The All Blacks were well beaten by France at Carisbrook and may, I suspect, lose again in Wellington tonight.
This does not mean the All Blacks are stuffed. It simply suggests our depth is starting to be seriously tested. And it seems obvious the flood of players moving overseas has exposed our shallow talent pool at the top level.
If you believe Bryn Evans, George Whitelock, Liam Messam and Isaac Ross are ready for the rigours of test rugby, keep that blindfold on. They are in this squad only because of injuries and absences, not because they are good enough.
But we should have seen this coming. Not even as great a rugby nursery as this country can sustain a decade-long player exodus followed by an unprecedented injury crisis.
• . . . is no surprise
Just to put things in perspective - not to excuse the limp performance by the All Blacks at Carisbrook - have a look at the players that have come and gone in the Henry era alone.
Since 2004, when Henry replaced John Mitchell, 84 men have played at least one test for the All Blacks:Fullbacks (5): Mils Muliaina, Sosene Anesi, Leon MacDonald, Isaia Toeava, Cory Jane.
Wingers (8): Doug Howlett, Joe Rokocoko, Rico Gear, Sitiveni Sivivatu, Scott Hamilton, Anthony Tuitavake, Rudi Wulf, Hosea Gear.
Midfielders (8): Tana Umaga, Sam Tuitupou, Aaron Mauger, Ma'a Nonu, Conrad Smith, Casey Laulala, Luke McAlister, Richard Kahui.
Inside backs (13): Daniel Carter, Carlos Spencer, Justin Marshall, Nick Evans, Andrew Mehrtens, Byron Kelleher, Jimmy Cowan, Piri Weepu, Kevin Senio, David Hill, Andy Ellis, Brendon Leonard, Stephen Donald.
Loose forwards (19): Xavier Rush, Richie McCaw, Jono Gibbes, Marty Holah, Craig Newby, Jerry Collins, Mose Tuiali'i, Steven Bates, Rodney So'oialo, Jerome Kaino, Reuben Thorne, Sione Lauaki, Chris Masoe, Angus Macdonald, Adam Thomson, Daniel Braid, Liam Messam, Kieran Read, Tanerau Latimer.
Locks (15): Chris Jack, Keith Robinson, Simon Maling, Ali Williams, Norm Maxwell, James Ryan, Jason Eaton, Troy Flavell, Greg Rawlinson, Ross Filipo, Brad Thorn, Anthony Boric, Kevin O'Neill, Isaac Ross, Bryn Evans.
Props (11): Carl Hayman, Kees Meeuws, Tony Woodcock, Greg Somerville, Saimone Taumoepeau, Campbell Johnstone, Neemia Tialata, John Afoa, Clarke Dermody, John Schwalger, Jamie Mackintosh.
Hookers (5): Keven Mealamu, Andrew Hore, Corey Flynn, Anton Oliver, Derren Witcombe.
Of those 84 players, 54 were unavailable for the test against the French for various reasons.
• We deserve the numbers
It's no great surprise that $7 million is the figure the Dunedin City Council is BELIEVED to have paid the Otago Rugby Football Union for the beaten-up second-hand car that is Carisbrook.
That figure neatly covers the ORFU's debts, handing the union a get-out-of-jail-free card as it attempts to get its affairs in order.
But I'm annoyed both parties are hiding behind "confidentiality" and declining to specify the cost.
This deal should absolutely be as transparent as possible. Otago rugby, desperately short of money, fans and decent players, does itself no favours by hiding behind anything. And it's never a good look for the council to choose obfuscation ahead of openness.
Besides, we now own the ground. It's in public hands and it's in the public interest to disclose how much we paid for it.
• Pink is the new black
My NRL club, the Penrith Panthers, made a classy gesture by playing in pink (pink panthers, geddit?) to highlight breast cancer awareness last week.
But they were completely overshadowed by the effort of David Williams, the Manly winger who dyed his lustrous beard pink for the occasion.
Even better is Williams' nickname: the Wolfman.
• Cushiest jobs in sport
There was a column on the ESPN website this week taking a light-hearted look at the easiest jobs in the sporting world.
Among others, they came up with golf caddy (carry a bag and watch Tiger Woods beat everyone) and pro wrestling referee (the decision about who wins is made before the fight starts).
My top five cushiest gigs in New Zealand sport would be:
1. Marketing guru for New Zealand hockey: Call 'em all Black Sticks!
2. All Black No 8: Tackling is optional.
3. All Whites coach: Because no-one expects miracles.
4. Daniel Carter's agent: You know your 15% is coming even though few can remember when Carter last dominated an important game.
5. Rugby commentator: Doesn't matter if you're inane or insane - there's a job for you.
• Souvenirs for Les Bleus
They were meant to go home bruised, beaten and keen to forget their visit to Carisbrook, but members of the French rugby team were instead keen to snaffle anything they could to remember their triumph in Dunedin.
That included the Dunedin City Council's promotional banners draped around the Mercure Leisure Lodge to make them feel welcome.
In fact, a couple were already on the bus before one of the entourage made a request to manager Jan McDougall, who got the go-ahead from the council the next day, and couriered the banners to the team on Monday.
• Chabal's appetite no yolk
Looks like we've uncovered the secret to French giant Sebastien Chabal's imposing physique: scrambled eggs.
But while the bearded behemoth may be used to getting his own way, the Mercure's chef was forbidden from providing the dish, on the advice of the team's dietitian.
The response was a "not very happy" Chabal, something that may have added to the All Blacks' woes last weekend.
• Time for another workshop
Don't panic. Do NOT panic.
You know the NPC as we used to call it has been completely ruined but do NOT panic.
From a New Zealand Rugby Union press release issued on Thursday:"New Zealand's 26 provincial unions and five Super 14 franchises will be attending a workshop at the NZRU on Saturday, June 20. Among the agenda items is further discussion of New Zealand's domestic competitions structure."
Another workshop to discuss our broken provincial rugby structure.
Words fail me.
