Take a bow

What is it about being given a compliment that makes us feel uncomfortable, asks life coach Jan Aitken.

Imagine you have given someone a gift. 

They unwrap it, remove it from its box, take a look at it and say something along the lines of "Oh, it doesn’t really suit me, here have it back" or "great" and then dismissively put it down and walk away.

Chances are we’d be devastated if we were the gift-giver.

On the other hand, we’d probably never entertain doing that to someone who gives us a gift.  We just wouldn’t be that rude.

I think being given a compliment is very similar to being given a gift.

Yet, most of us are terrible at simply saying "thank you" and accepting it.

What is it about being given a compliment that makes us feel uncomfortable?

Let’s shed some light on the art of receiving compliments, starting with why we bat them away or downplay them.

We receive a compliment when someone appreciates something we’ve done or when something about us appeals to them.

Perhaps you have put in extra work at the office to finish a project on time or maybe you are looking particularly sharp, you might have a new haircut, or have helped someone who needed a hand.

A compliment is a form of praise and many of us are uncomfortable with being praised.

Why?

There are many reasons and here are some of the most common. —

Kiwi culture is pretty hard on those who stand out from the crowd (tall poppy syndrome), though other cultures also have this trait. To be praised or complimented risks us standing out from those around us and that is something to be avoided at all costs.

• Praise may not have been something you got a lot of when you were growing up. In some families it is seen as being "soft" to praise children as it doesn’t "prepare them for real life".

• You don’t want to be seen as been vain, conceited or stuck up

• You might be suspicious of someone’s motives

• You don’t want to feel indebted to someone

• You may lack confidence and self-esteem, i.e. you can’t match the compliment to your inner view of yourself

• You think the giver must feel sorry for you.

Recognise any of these thoughts? You may well be able to add to the list.

People often bat compliments away or downplay them in a variety of ways. —

• We ignore them and carry on as if nothing was said. That must be quite confusing for the compliment giver, who is probably left wondering about your hearing.

• We outright deny what was said e.g. "You look great tonight" is met with "Oh no I don’t"

• We might devalue what was said e.g. "What a fab dress", "Oh this old thing"

• We transfer the compliment e.g. "That’s some of your best work", "Well the others did it really, not me"

• We boomerang it right back and try to ‘‘one-up’’ the compliment e.g.  "What a great new haircut", "Oh yours is way more cool"

• We question the giver e.g.  "That’s a fantastic painting", "What? Really? You can’t have seen much good art in your life"

Do you recognise any of those responses when you’re given a compliment?

The thing is that by pushing a compliment away or diminishing it we undermine ourselves.

We risk dismissing our own ability and worth and also the opinion of the person complimenting us.

It implies they don’t know what they are talking about and that’s pretty insulting.

So what can we do to change how we approach receiving a compliment?

• The first step is to be aware of how we accept compliments. Approach this with curiosity. Don’t beat yourself up if you find your usual approach is to dismiss or diminish a compliment. Be kind to yourself.

• In my experience most compliments are usually genuinely given. If we start to question the motives behind a compliment, things can really become complicated. So accept them from a place of trust that the compliment is genuinely given.

• When a compliment is given, take a deep breath. Let it soak in.

• Avoid "boomeranging" and "one-upping" the compliment

• Accept the compliment with gratitude and reply with a simple, sincere ‘‘thank you’’ or something similar.

Remember, a simple and sincere thank you and the acceptance of a compliment won’t give the appearance of vanity or self-promotion.

Extend the compliment giver some credit for having a valid opinion and start to acknowledge your own abilities and worth.

- Jan Aitken is a Dunedin-based life coach.

For more go to www.fitforlifecoaches.co.nz.

Twitter:@jan—aitken

Comments

What you are actually doing is denying, or discounting, the opinion of the compliment giver. People who do this are falsely modest, being either control freaks or recidivist grumpface.