He has been going to parties. He has been to a few now and when he first asked me to be his taxi drop-off and pick-up, I was a bit surprised - mainly because his sister wasn’t big on parties and his older brother is at boarding school, so I just hadn’t really experienced it.
I get it, everyone parents differently, no judgement here and feel free to judge me ... I really don’t care! But I work on the high trust model. When he asked me, I wasn’t going to say no you are not going, I was always going to give him the opportunity to show me that he could handle himself well at a party and was going to be honest and transparent with me. I mean, let’s face it, I was going to parties in South D at his age.
I lived with my nana in Trafalgar St while I was going to Queen’s High School. She rolled with the same approach - as long as I behaved and came home by a reasonable hour, she never asked any questions. I assume she trusted me, although maybe she didn’t and thought it was just part of being a teenager? I mean, there was a looseness with the way we were parented. I was raised by a village of people, and in a strong and caring environment, but there was no sugar coating and certainly no overbearing parenting, they just expected that I would be responsible and sensible, whether I was or not.
So, I lay down ground rules with my son, and I won’t share the detail here as it involves some choice expletive language but it’s simply about being on the best behaviour with the adults in the space, his mates and the girls. Mana is important to me as a core value - treat people as you would expect to be treated and think about your reputation. I’ve laid these rules out in the car as I’m dropping him and some of his mates off and they sort of giggle with a level of embarrassment but know that I wouldn’t hesitate to drag my son out of there if I knew he was misbehaving.
Interestingly, there is some sort of invite code that I haven’t quite worked out. I think it’s based on popularity and whether you are cool. Apparently, you can sometimes go as their plus one but then sometimes that doesn’t occur, as parents have wisely restricted numbers. I don’t talk to the parents beforehand, like I might have based on a playdate. I drop off at 7.30pmish and pick up at midnight.
The judgemental me is a tad disturbed by the random handkerchiefs that barely cover a girl, and I wonder if she managed to pull a fast one on her parents and did a clothing change on the way there. Not sure you could actually call it clothing. I think back to my own party days and I am sure I had more on than that. Maybe I didn’t.
No doubt my son thinks I am annoying and out of touch sometimes, and I get that. I probably thought the same about my parents. However, showing my age here, my underlying discombobulation sits with the added issue around social media. What images from these parties are thrown up on social media for the world to see, what nasty Snapchat messaging takes place.
Are you in the cool group simply due to your shallow social media status? I have a lot of questions here and no answers and I realise that I could perhaps police this whole social media situation with a more punitive approach. However, I just don’t think that approach will be a useful exercise in engendering trust between my son and me.
Ultimately, I have come to the conclusion that this party phase, and parenting in general, is all about communication and I do have open lines of communication with my children. There are also ways to persuade some open conversation, as my youngest boy is stuck with me in the car for an hour a day to get to school and back. I fill the void with uncomfortable conversations about behaviour and what goes on at parties in 2025.
I would really like to think that he can talk to me, although sometimes I get an eye roll, a laugh or silence ... I will continue to be me and talk openly and honestly and I try to end on the note that I am there for him, I will turn up and I won’t judge, because believe it or not, I’ve been there too and the common denominator here is simply being a teenager.
