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I timed my morning banana carefully.
I consumed the banana two minutes before leaving home, banking on taking eight minutes to get to work, and five minutes to turn on the computer and settle in.
It was precisely at that moment I wanted the potassium rush to hit.
Each banana has exactly 358mg of potassium, which the internet says is one of the seven essential macrominerals. A banana decreases the risk of stroke, lowers blood pressure, protects against loss of muscle mass, preserves bone mineral density, and reduces the formation of kidney stones.
It decreases the risk of mortality by 20%.
I saw it on the internet.
At exactly the time expected, my blood pressure instantly dropped so low my veins almost collapsed, and only the incredibly dense levels of bone minerals I had newly developed kept me upright.
My muscles quivered just a little, comfortable for the moment they were losing absolutely no mass at all.
A hot feeling in my kidneys was without doubt the potassium ruthlessly suppressing any kidney stone action.
I felt good for a bit — real good — but then the banana wore off.
It was only 9.30am.
I needed energy.
I thought about consuming some fatty fish like salmon or tuna, because they are excellent sources of protein, fatty acids and B vitamins.
They also provide a great energy boost, as they contain omega-3 fatty acids that have been shown to reduce inflammation in the body, a common cause of fatigue.
However, I had some concerns that energy boost might come on too quickly and overwhelm me.
So I chose an avocado.
Avocados are rich in healthy fats and fibre, promote optimal blood-fat levels and enhance the absorption of nutrients. The fibre in avocados accounts for 80% of their carbohydrate content, which helps maintain steady energy levels and makes you more popular.
I ate the avocado and immediately felt the healthy fats and fibre course through my body.
The veins began to swell in my arms and legs, and the optimal blood-fat levels gave my skin the pink, blubbery appearance of a newborn baby.
I felt my soft tissue swell and bulge as the absorption of nutrients reached its peak, and my eyes bulged slightly with a rush of good health that made me giddy.
I felt a certain sense of invulnerability, but something was missing.
I needed a super food.
Despite being a marketing term with no basis at all in medical science, the concept of the super food is very powerful, and one to which I strongly subscribe.I ate an almond, marvelling at its nutritional density.
Almonds have been ‘‘proved’’ to help stave off heart disease and diabetes and to help lower bad cholesterol.
They are also high in vitamin E and magnesium, which improves blood flow and calms arteries.
The goodness of the almond exploded inside me moments after mastication.
The instant drop in the threat of heart disease hit like a tonne of bricks, knocking me off my chair and leaving me prostrate on the floor.
I picked myself up and with a shaking hand gripped on to the corner of my desk, just as the decrease in the threat of diabetes and plummeting levels of bad cholesterol kicked in.
That knocked me down again, and I was on all fours when the improved blood flow again sent the oxygen soaked liquid of life firing through my veins like a backed up stormwater drain in South Dunedin during a 100-year rain event.
Just as my system reached peak flow and highly pressurised blood threatened to burst through its fleshy infrastructure, the artery-calming qualities of the almond came to the rescue, and brought things back to normal.
But I needed more than just my arteries calmed.I popped down to the supermarket and picked up some coconut oil and grass-fed ghee.
The medium-chain triglycerides found in coconut oil have been shown to improve cognitive functioning, and ghee may or may not have anti-inflammatory, gut healing and brain-boosting properties, mostly thanks to the short-chain saturated fat butyrate.
I skolled a bucket a grass-fed ghee and washed it down with a medium-sized vat of coconut oil.
The anti-inflammatory effect of the ghee was absolutely instantaneous.
My whole body, up until that point a red and swollen blimp of gigantic proportions, completely collapsed in on itself as my gut swelled with a level of health and self-importance so extreme it devoured the rest of my frame.
The brain-boosting properties of the ghee made me so intelligent I became expert in algebra, and that was before the coconut oil’s improved cognitive function redoubled the effect, allowing me to understand everything Stephen Hawking had ever written.
Now nothing but gigantic, massively healthy and super intelligent stomach, I rolled and slithered back to my chair to begin my day.
I settled back and got ready to work, when I realised something was missing; there was an empty feeling inside.I looked at the clock, and realised it was 10.15am.
It was morning tea time.And I was hungry.
- Mr Loughrey would like to thank the internet for providing the scientific background to this article.