Ian Harris explores the vexed issue of modern Christianity and sexuality.
Sex. The churches have had a lot to say about it, but an American social ethicist thinks most of it has been wide of the mark. There is, says Dr Marvin Ellison, a better way to go.
Dr Ellison, a Presbyterian minister and professor of Christian ethics at Bangor Theological Seminary in Maine, delivered this year's Geering Lectures for St Andrew's Trust for the Study of Religion and Society in Wellington.
Sexual ethics should not be a list of prohibitions, he said, but that is the dominant impression the churches have given. Instead, they should be part of a comprehensive and positive life ethic, based on a conscientious effort to act always in ways that are loving and just.
Such an ethic would never be self-centred. It would be responsible, show respect for others, and strengthen community. In some circumstances it might also take people beyond the traditional rules that restrict sexual intimacy to marriage.
That does not mean open slather where sexuality is concerned. There are still sexual sins, as where people treat others as objects, or where there is coercion or exploitation, as with the rapist or child molester.
But Dr Ellison believes that a major overhaul of Christian sexual teaching is necessary, because the traditional framework has been built on a platform of devaluing the body, women, and non-heterosexuals.
Fidelity remains a primary virtue and, says Dr Ellison, is "absolutely" an ideal worth striving for.
"Fidelity is about how trustworthy, loyal and committed persons behave," he says. "Many people will therefore choose to live within a sexual framework exclusive to their spouses or partners.
"Others, though, can be sexually exclusive, yet without the love and justice which are essential to fidelity - a partner may be abusive, deceptive, untrusting, manipulative.
"And there are relationships, such as when a spouse develops Alzheimer's disease, where the other may be faithful to the marriage commitment by caring for him or her to the best of their ability, but where intimacy is no longer possible.
"The question then is whether the healthy partner is entitled to give and receive love with someone else, in a responsible, respectful relationship - the care-giver has needs, too.
"The moral choice is often not between a clear right and wrong, but what is for the good of everyone involved in their particular context."
For Dr Ellison, the questions to ask about any sexual situation - indeed about any relationship - are: Is this a relationship between two people who have relatively equal power? Is it genuinely mutual and consensual? If there is power, is it being exercised for the benefit of both of us? Is there a true sharing of pleasure and responsibility? Are we both taking responsibility to avoid unwanted outcomes such as disease or pregnancy? Am I acting with fidelity and integrity? Above all, is this relationship loving and just?
"That's the test of its moral character," Dr Ellison says, "not simply whether it follows the churches' rules."
He concedes that this approach is more demanding than simply conforming to the traditional prohibitions, but says it is also more positive through bringing spiritual values to bear on sexuality.
What of teenagers coming to terms with their sexuality?
Dr Ellison notes the gap of 10 or more years between a person becoming sexually mature and marrying. Surveys show that two-thirds of American high school pupils are sexually active, the median age of sexual initiation is 17, and 95% of Americans have sex before marriage.
The figures for church-affiliated youth are similar, with one important difference: they are more likely to reject casual or frivolous sex, and say no to sex without commitment.
"The churches need to listen deeply to what their members are experiencing, and to what's going on in the broader community," he says. "The churches' legalism about sexuality treats people as children. People are alienated by a message that negates healthy sex and causes fear and shame."
Many church members, however, want only to hear the old rules reaffirmed.
Dr Ellison would like the churches to switch from treating sexuality as a problem to be overcome, to seeing it as a spiritual resource and gift that enriches people's lives.
This would involve changing their context for discussing sexuality, putting the emphasis on educating people to be better lovers - in both the bedroom and the world.
"Everyone has the right to love and be loved," he says. "Everyone has the right to be treated with dignity and care." Ian Harris is a journalist and commentator.
