CAPTAIN LUXON
What I’ll say to you is that yes it does look like an iceberg approaching but estimates of its size differs, and I can’t comment on unconfirmed reports that the iceberg has already hit, and the ship is sinking. I don’t think it’s likely. I think it’s just another day at the office.
But what I will say is that, as a precaution, we are throwing all long-term unemployed overboard. Employers are crying out for jobs in the frozen seas and, in any case, jobseekers are bringing the mood down for everyone. That’s not good for my vibe. The sooner we are rid of them, the better for everyone. The mood will lift. And so will the ship, which seems to be sinking a little bit, but these things are cyclical.
What we all have to bear in mind is that we must seek out good times where and when we can. And that’s why I’m going to make a TikTok in the ship’s bar. Just in time for Happy Hour! But that’s strange. No-one is here. It’s empty. I think I know what’s happening. The bar staff are on strike. Pathetic, isn’t it? Not to say irresponsible, because right now it does appear the ship is sinking fast.
I’m moving this presser to the top deck. That iceberg really is quite magnificent, isn’t it? It’s towering above the ship like a big white tooth. So much for global warming! Well, there goes the back of the ship. Snapped in two, like a biscuit. And that’s exactly what I feel like right now. A nice hot cup of tea, and a biscuit. Can someone please fetch me that? I’ll wait here. I’m going to sit my bum right down on this deckchair.
REAR ADMIRAL PETERS
Don’t talk to me about an iceberg. I know what you’re doing. You’re positioning the iceberg as Israel and suggesting that it’s going to destroy the credibility of the Coalition Titanic because we refuse to recognise the State of Palestine.
It doesn’t work like that. New Zealanders don’t care about the iceberg. They care about the ruckus I am creating to divert attention away from the iceberg. They care deeply, very deeply indeed, about the full-scale disaster and deeply felt anguish of someone breaking a window of my house.
They want to know the name of the culprit. I can help them with that. I have a list of names. And, right now, I implore New Zealanders to stop what they’re doing and glare at this list of names and wish Hellfire upon them.
— Benjamin Doyle. Pretty much to blame for everything. A person of suspect.
— Chloe Swarbrick. Head of the Woke Army. Dangerous.
— Martin "Bomber" Bradbury. Leader of the Underground Communist Militia. Not dangerous, but shoot to kill.
— Guyon Espiner. Propagandist and left-wing shill. Defund RNZ now.
— Māori. Not all Māori. Just the uppity ones.
We are not letting bludging Marxism prevail here. We are the generational heirs of a God-given gift, freedom in Godzone country, and all equal. We are asking you to become part of a rightful cause, be part of our mission with one clarion call.
We are going to put out the deckchairs.
