This must be serious, we thought. The last such meeting was as long ago as 1992 when the committee decided to abolish overdue fines when the date stamp had been lost and replacing it would have cost more than the fines brought in.
At first, we thought it must have been some sort of hoax or scam, but the letter was written in such an oddly strangled and weirdly rambling version of the English language that we decided it must be genuine.
"The president is suggesting we name the library the Donald J Trump Patearoa Library. That’s it [in] a nutshell."
"Nut case, more like it," Norm said, ever cynical of all politicians.
"Let’s not be too hasty.
"The president offers to pay all costs relating to the erection of a new outdoor sign carved in a new granite facade and an interior one carved in marble from Arc Stone & Tile, a shop near his place in Florida," the librarian said.
"He will also supply a new library rubber stamp. There’s also an undertaking to donate $US10,000 [$NZ16,770] each year to go towards building maintenance and purchase of new books."
"Wow!" Derek said, our financial adviser.
"Makes the $7.60 we got in donations during 2025 look pretty sick. Let’s go for it."
"Wait! There’s more!" bubbled the librarian who watches far too many television commercials.
"The letter continues, ‘in order to Make Patearoa Library Great Again [MPLGA] I propose that the greenhouse near the library be demolished and replaced by a 90,000sqft , ornately decorated entertainment area to be called the Donald J. Trump Ballroom’, what do you think?"
"Couldn’t come at a better time," Rebecca said.
"The old Patearoa Hall is on its last legs and it was so cramped at the Crockery Bob jumble sale we had no room for the 16 exercise machines we’ve been trying to get rid of for years. And imagine the funerals we could hold in 90,000 square feet!"
"What about the bloke who owns the greenhouse?" Ever-reasonable Mary said.
"That’s covered. He’d be offered a replacement glasshouse and seeds and plants to the value of $US98 plus a two-year subscription to Greenfingers magazine."
"Let’s go for it! Have you seen the price of tomato plants these days?" Derek said.
Our librarian advised caution.
"I think we need to consider the implications of all this, Derek. Are there any questions?"
John, the legal man on the committee, was quick to get to the nitty gritty.
"Are there subclauses, subsidiary conditions, codicils, non sequiturs or mentions of habeus corpus in this proposal?"
"Well, yes. Mr Trump would have the right to remove any book from our shelves which he thought inappropriate to the MPLGA mission."
"Good grief!" Norm said.
"You know he’s already turfed out all the books that promote diversity, equality and inclusion from military libraries in the States.
"There are great books in our library which promote all those important things.
"He’d probably biff out any book which hints that our record on racial equality is a bit dodgy.
"He’d certainly ban Noddy and Big Ears, given they may be gay. My grandkids love those books."
Rebecca agreed with Norm.
"And my kids really enjoyed the Freckleface Strawberry books. You know them. They’re about a young girl who struggles with her freckles but in the end learns to accept all the differences in people.
"Trump banned those books from military schools. He’d do that here, surely?"
"I’ll note our concerns about censorship," our librarian said.
She sought opinions on how to suitably word the reply to Mr Trump.
"I think we should be courteous and respectful. After all, it’s me who’s in the gun here.
"If I annoy Mr Trump, he may well send marines to arrest me and cart me off to New York in handcuffs. Just like that poor man from Venezuela."
"Bit unlikely, but we’d rather it didn’t happen," John said.
A long silence was broken when Norm, after a career which included spells as the local eccentric and even as the village idiot, came to light with a suggestion which met with unanimous agreement.
"Let’s simply ignore the whole thing. A direct refusal would have Trump deciding to take over the country and agreement would make us the laughing stock of the entire library world.
"Trump is one of those people whose greatest fear is being ignored. Our point will have been made, and we can run our library just as we wish to."
I came away sympathising with those world leaders who can’t treat Mr Trump exactly as the Patearoa Library committee did.
— Jim Sullivan is a Patearoa writer.
