Stellar spin doctor deserving of award

Home learning has become the norm during lockdown. PHOTO: GETTY IMAGES

Every third year our department of modern media is allowed to put forward a candidate for one of the honorary doctorates awarded by our revered university.

I’ve received a suggestion that your Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern be honoured for "services to spin doctoring".

These honours are not lightly awarded and candidly, I worry about the international stature of a candidate from a tiny country such as yours. We would need to be convinced that Ms Ardern performs consistently — and at the very highest level.

I don’t have the necessary knowledge of Kiwi spin doctory to check her out. But Howie Zinck, our dean of golf, tells me you have the inside intelligence on such matters. Would we end up with embarrassing regrets if we gave Ms Ardern such an important award?

Hubert H. Haughty IV,

KFC chair of modern media Hicksville University, KY.

What an insulting letter. You Americans are blind to the rest of the world, and don’t understand there are clever, meritorious people on other parts of the planet.

This country consistently punches well above its weight. Kiwis will be appalled at your lack of faith in PM Ardern’s stellar spin doctory.

If you need further reassurance, simply Google: "NZ PM Covid-19 press conference videos". You’ll witness spin masterclasses.

Dear Uncle Norm,

Forget Covid home teaching. My two grandchildren never do their homework properly, so trying to get anything done during Covid is pointless. My son shares their school reports with me, and they are full of pointless gloss. There’s no mention of the kids’ indolence.

Are teachers scared to tell the truth in school reports?

G.L.C Magleish.

Perhaps you’d enjoy school reports if teachers felt free to use a little wit and sarcasm. Amongst the better teachers report remarks I read in a recent collection are:

The dawn of legibility reveals a total inability to spell.

And: Your son and I have both failed, but at least I tried.

Plus the zinger: I would hesitate to breed from this boy.

Dear Uncle Norm,

I hear the Covid scientists saying there is a difference between an eradication policy and an elimination policy. But what on earth is it? I looked up the Oxford which said both were about "getting rid of something completely".

Until now New Zealand’s Covid policy has been called "elimination", which is ridiculous. Because we and it are international, it will keep coming back.

But why the screwball terminology?

Lone Lexicologist, Waimate.

OK. This is a case of the verbal disease "gobbledygook boffinus". But actually there is a technical difference between elimination and eradication.

Eradication is the "act" of getting rid of something completely and forever. Elimination is a step down — it is merely the "process" of attempting the same thing. You may "eliminate" a disease to zero cases in one place for a period of time — without "eradicating" it, which is for all time. (Covid is presently eliminated in the South Island, touch wood. It will never be eradicated).

Smallpox is the only human transmittable disease ever eradicated. The World Health Organisation ran a worldwide smallpox vaccination programme which saw the last case reported in Somalia in 1977.

Whatever. Fingers crossed that we get back to a temporary elimination until the belated vaccine rollout is done.

Hi Uncle Norm,

Two years ago God came to me and said that starting September 9 (this coming Thursday), there’d be global raining for 40 days and 40 nights, and he’ll flood the world.

I was ordered to build an ark and collect one male and female from each species so the couples could reboot the planet once the flood subsides. God emails me for progress reports, and I’m worried sick because construction is at least three years behind.

Council kept knocking back the ark plans. First, sprinklers required, then water saving shower nozzles. Our mouseholes had insufficient shoulder space, longer Covid masks are required for the elephants’ trunks — you get the picture.

Greenies discovered rare toads in my timber sources. Health and Safety always transfers me to the Harbour Master, who refers me on to Transport. My neighbours are nimbies, and Immigration insists my boys (Seth and Ham) have odd names and need work visas.

To cap matters off Radio One has called me for comment on the exclusion of transgender oxen.

God is due to phone back tomorrow. Can you think of anything I can say that might prevent him destroying the world?

Noah (Son of Lamech)

Ararat Station.

Relax Noah. You worry too much. God is required to lodge an Environmental Impact Study before embarking on a flood such as you describe. As far as I can ascertain, he has neither submitted the study, nor paid its lodgement fee.

Besides why would God bother destroying the world? Governments have beaten him to it.

 - John Lapsley lives in Arrowtown.