Anna, not her real name, knows that all too well, having suffered emotional, psychological and physical abuse at the hands of her ex-partner for 20 years - abuse her four children witnessed on an almost daily basis.
In the latest of our series on abuse, Otago Daily Times and Queenstown Times bureau chief Tracey Roxburgh talks to Anna about her experience and that of her children.
When Anna's former partner turned up on her doorstep "off his face on pills" she knew she was in trouble.
It wasn't the first time he'd beaten her - but it would be the last.
She attempted to get him outside. He retaliated by dragging her outside and down stairs and then started to "pummel" her.
When her oldest child came to help, he took to her with his fists as well, before redirecting his attention to Anna, continuing to hit and kick her.
She was left with two black eyes, facial abrasions, a bruised back, finger marks on her arms from where he had grabbed and shaken her and a foot mark on her leg.
Her children were left with the memory of their father beating up their mother - a memory that may never disappear.
That beating, in some respects, was a blessing.
The police were called and services, including Barnardos, sprung into action.
Anna says signs of an abusive relationship were there early on - the couple broke up frequently but "like many in my position you get roped back into the false promises ... and you try and give it another go".
"You get to the point where you're stuck in it."
Verbal, emotional and psychological abuse were common.
"You get caught up in that ... am I really not a good parent? Am I really not a good partner?"You hear it enough, you start to believe it.
"We would walk around on egg shells a lot, just waiting for something to happen."
Looking back, Anna says she feels sorry for her former partner, who has "a lot of his own demons", but it's her children who have paid the biggest price.
While their father had rarely physically abused them, the children had been exposed to years of emotional and verbal abuse, "making them feel like they weren't good enough".
"By keeping them broken he knew he could still rule the roost."
Her oldest child has spent her entire life surrounded by the abuse at home - a situation which almost caused her not to go to university.
"The last incident, she called the police. She was thinking about not going to university because she feared for me and her siblings.
"It was one of the wake-up calls - as a parent, you shouldn't be worried about your child worrying about you, making sure you're all right."
One of her other children, who was 8 years old during the final beating, had also required counselling.
He had trust issues, was now wary of people and the abuse at home had the "ripple effect", taking the issues to school with him.
"On the flip side, there is the mixed feeling for him because he still loves his father."
However, the children were now doing well, thanks largely to help from agencies like the police and Barnardos, which had provided counselling and support.
Many may wonder how a woman can stay in an abusive relationship for her entire adult life and have her four children exposed to the violence.
For Anna, it was "the shame of letting it go on for so long".
"What the kids have witnessed and been through themselves.
"There's that worry about what they [the agencies] are going to say, even though they're there to help, you're worried about being judged."
The children were all doing well now, with her eldest child at university and the rest of the family preparing for a new life in another place - where Anna will turn 20 of the most horrific years into a positive - beginning her studies to become "the best social worker I can be".
"I've always helped other people and there's been many a time I've wished I've taken my own advice."
And she has some advice for others in her position.
"If they can't do it [get help] for themselves, then do it for their children.
"One day those children are going to grow up and they're going to be asking `why didn't you do something?'.
"It's not worth it; it's not worth making a whole family sad."
