Lo and behold, this blog is coming to you from the waiting room of the emergency department. Even though it isn't a Saturday, I am not lacking in company from my fellow rugby players.
"What were you doing when the injury occurred?"
"Playing rugby"
I love that on the ACC form, the example given in the section asking if you obtained the injury while playing a sport is that of rugby union. Yep, sure was. I get the sneaky suspicion that many of the answers are in fact rugby union.
However, let's put the injury topic aside until after I see the doctor and can get back to you with the verdict of my injury. I want to talk to you about what I was doing when I got injured; playing rugby.
Few of you may be aware, but the women's rugby season has been chugging along here in Dunedin for 4 weeks now. Unfortunately I doubt many of you will have seen a game or even heard how the teams are doing (...Varsity, my team, is up 3-1). I'm about to change that for you.
It's been over a year and a-half since I last laced up my boots and ran on to the rugby field, and the time is telling. Finding my game fitness, not just physically, but mentally, has been tough. It's funny, because I know what to do, I know how I want to play, but there is this disconnect between that knowledge and actually doing it.
My first game back, it felt like I went through the motions without actually accomplishing anything. The second game I could feel the confidence begin to build again. In the third game, I was starting to put things together, finding my rhythm and doing some good stuff around the breakdown, creating turnovers and securing the ruck.
An ankle issue kept me from getting back on the field the second half, which frustrated the hell out of me because I knew I was going to play even better that next 40 minutes; I knew that I was close to finding my old form.
This fourth game I came off of the bench. It had been a blow to my psyche when I saw I wasn't starting. I didn't know, still don't know, why I had been relegated to the bench. Was my slowly improving form just proving not good enough? I did a couple of good things when I got on, had a good pick off the ruck that gained some good meters, but was pretty flat and lackadaisical otherwise. I'll admit I have a hard time playing well off the bench and I know that's no excuse, but so it is.
My mind, my internal dialogue, is my biggest enemy. On the field, I battle with negative thoughts, over thinking, critical analysis, and worst of all, self-doubt. It is a self-created barrier that often prevents me from putting in the kind of performances I know I am capable of and will probably prevent me from achieving the kind of greatness for which I strive on the rugby field.
This is the difference between a good athlete and a great athlete. You can have an athlete with all the talent, physical ability, and skills required to go to the top but who struggles with their inner critic and an athlete who may not have as much of the talent or ability or skills, but who BELIEVES in his or her self and it is that second athlete who will make it to the top, who will go the furthest and find success.
The same goes for teams. Put all the talent on one team and they will still falter, still struggle, still lose if they do not believe, if they can't get past their inner critics, let go and just play. We can look to the Blues as a shining example of such a team.
When I play for and against teams that I know are at a calibre below me, my self-doubt disappears. I know that I am one of the best players on the field and I will actually play like it. I'll trust my gut instincts, I'll make thumping tackles, I'll create plays, I'll score tries, I'll have fun, and I'll play well. Otherwise, I am a mixed bag. A good hit right off and I'm solid for the rest of the game. Miss my first tackle and it's a minefield of self-doubt and critical thinking.
The secret is to Relax. Think positive. Play for love of the game. These words are my new mantra. They are words we all need to remember when we play, words we need to remember for life. Whether you are an All Black, a Highlander, or an aspiring athlete, just remember to have fun, remember why you play.
Oh and on the injury, I dislocated my sternoclavicular joint sometime during the 40 minutes I was on the field Saturday. A little physiotherapy and I should be right as rain, though will miss our game against Southern this weekend. Looking at it positively, that gives me some extra time to work on my inner game.