The past week has been a traumatic one in the life of D. Charles Loughrey.
I had asked Juan, the boy who makes sure the Dewey Decimal System runs like clockwork in my library, and looks after my other worldly needs, to investigate my family history.
That was a big mistake.
Through a process he described as "genealogy", he uncovered alarming familial links to Presbyterianism, and worse, strong family links to the city of Christchurch.
You can imagine my horror.
As I do when alarmed, I started reading aloud from the Old Testament at the top of my voice, but - finding my horror unassuaged - I turned my attention to upcoming shows on the television.
That made things better, in part because it took me back to a simpler, happier time in my life, before the reality of the human condition broke my spirit.
Dirt Biking New Zealand took me back to the mid-1970s, when I was still a sprightly 67-year-old, and loved to take my little Honda dirt bike down to the reclaimed land where the Edgar Centre now is.
It was a top spot, where you could tear around on bikes, or take an old Hillman and roll it for a laugh, and nobody cared.
Those were the days.
Dirt Biking New Zealand screens on the Travel Channel next Saturday at 7.30pm.
It is the result of a trip to Otago last year by Henry Cole, who made trail riding forays to Twizel, Danseys Pass, Alexandra, Cromwell, Dunedin, Invercargill and Mt Cook.
Henry is a British producer, television presenter, writer, actor and film-maker, whose documentary credits include "rockumentaries" for Guns and Roses, AC/DC, Metallica, The Rolling Stones and Aerosmith. I have not heard of any of those rock music bands; I imagine they are popular with young people. But Henry says lovely things about New Zealand, and begins his off-road adventures in Queenstown, which is nice.
He heads up to Glenorchy, where he gets some off-road tips from motocross champion and local Scott Columb.
Up the Dart River they spin, riding through paddocks full of cows and stony river beds, with the magnificent Central Otago landscape in the background.
"There's this all-pervading feeling of total freedom," Henry says.
"It's known as Paradise", Scott tells him.
"The views over the river Dart towards Milford Sound are humbling," Henry says.
''Luckily enough, we get to go riding in it, right by it," Scott tells him.
Henry's travel shows - there are two over two weeks - make Otago look great, and make me jealous and resentful of people with motorbikes.
Henry describes the south as "probably the best dirt bike place in the world".
If only I were 67 again.
