Breakfast in bed on Beneficiary Bashing Day

If you are still recovering from that Sunday morning lie-in - the one accompanied by cold tea and burnt toast, the gift of something pink, or possibly a power tool you couldn't imagine using in a million years, then this unverified "leaked" recording may be of interest.

You will note the identity of the participants is not clearly given, possibly for their own protection.

An accompanying typewritten note described the item as "Recording of Minister's thick (sic) tank meeting".

Minister: Kia ora. Thanks to all the senior case workers who have gathered here today to discuss right-sizing the beneficiary population. Yes, what can I help you with?

Case worker 1: Right-sizing?

Is it what we used to call downsizing?

Minister: Yes. You need to deploy the right language. It's all about choices and we want you to choose right-sizing.

Case worker 1: What is the right size of the beneficiary population?

Minister: We are not here to discuss that, but we are discussing how to get there.

As you may know, too many of our people on benefit are having babies. Case worker 1: How many?

Minister: I don't want to get tied up in that, but you need to know it's all about choice and I choose to think there are too many. I need you to help encourage women on benefit to stop having babies, going forward.

I thought it would be a good idea to replace Mother's Day with Beneficiary Bashing Day.

We don't want women on benefit to think that once a year they deserve a gift like a pair of fluffy pink slippers, a badly cooked meal or even a lie-in. Actually, we don't want these women spending any time in bed, particularly not with members of the opposite sex.

Anyway, those killjoys in the Cabinet wouldn't go for the idea, even though I knew it would be popular with the public. They thought retailers wouldn't be able to make much money out of T-shirts, aprons and sticky labels saying ''bludger". Honestly, sometimes I wonder if any of these people understand it's the thought that counts when gift giving.

Instead, however, I have got them to agree to fund long-term contraception for those on benefit.

We'll save heaps of money if they stop having extra babies and, as you know, if they slip up we will be work-testing them when that extra baby turns 1.

Case worker 2: Sounds wonderful, minister.

Case worker 1: Are we expected to discuss contraception with clients?

I don't feel comfortable about that. And what about side effects from these contraceptives?

Minister: The details aren't worked out yet, but I don't think you will have any choice about raising the issue because women on benefit need to know what they're entitled to.

Could any side effects possibly be worse than having an unplanned baby and costing the taxpayer money?

Case worker 1: Yes. Aren't you overlooking the fact that lots of other women having babies cost the taxpayer money, but won't qualify for this?

A woman slogging her guts out in a $15 an hour job for 40 hours a week, with no income from a deadbeat dad, costs us $152 a week in tax credits which rises to $217 a week if she has a second child.

Minister: I am not sure I like your tone there. There is honour and dignity from any $15-an-hour job, remember.

Goodness me, it is above minimum wage.

Case worker 1: And what if these contraceptives fail?

Is the woman still work tested when that unplanned child is a year old?

Minister: I am not a health professional. Does anyone else have any ideas?

Case workers 2 to 10 (in chorus): No. These ideas sound great to us.

Case worker 1: What about young men on benefit, to use your vernacular, who may be sitting around playing play station and impregnating women on benefit in their spare time?

What happens to them when that child turns 1?

What are we doing to make men more accountable for these children?

Is it true the Government is owed hundreds of millions in unpaid child support?

Minister (laughing): That's a lot of questions. I think I have given you a fair hearing. This meeting is not about unpaid child support. Does anyone else have any ideas?

Case worker 1: It's fairness that I am on about. You haven't answered my questions. I think the public will think this is a smokescreen.

Minister: It is all about choices. May I remind you that if you have chosen to work here, then you have chosen not to do a lot of thinking and to follow Government policy. (end of recording).

- Elspeth McLean is a Dunedin writer.

 

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