In what has been described as a copycat crime, Dunedin chef Norris Damien Lurcher, 34, has been charged with assault with a weapon after allegedly attacking his wife Darlene, 31, with a pork chop during an altercation at their St Clair home on the night of February 1.
Prosecuting counsel Lester Wrightly told the court the case was one of the most disturbing he had heard in 20 years at the bar.
"We know that married couples have their differences and that matters are usually resolved in a non-violent manner. My own marriage is strengthened this way," he said.
"Here we are told the accused was provoked when his wife said her mother would be coming on an extended visit. His reaction was quite unforgivable.
"My own mother-in-law is a welcome visitor to my own home, especially as her stay is rarely an extended one.
"Here we have a disturbing example of a well-built male, having read a Florida news item, reaching for a weapon to attack his vulnerable wife.
"I will be calling Mrs Darlene Lurcher, a petite, unarmed woman, to show the court how extreme was her vulnerability and with the court’s permission, have her exhibit the scar still disfiguring her almost a week after this gross act.
"I have used the phrase ‘lethal weapon’ deliberately as, in spite of the seeming innocuity of a pork chop, it has the potential to impose a deadly threat. And the accused is no stranger to pork chops and their potential as offensive weapons.
"I can tell you that for some years he has been employed as a chef at the well-known mid-city restaurant, The Meating Place.
"Many of you in this court today will have eaten there and be aware of the meat-based specialties of the house.
"I have The Meating Place menu in front of me now and there are no less than four dishes which offer pork chops in various guises. I would draw your attention to the skillet braised pork chop offering ... "
"Mr Wrightly, there is a full list this morning and time is getting on. I suggest you come to the point," the judge said.
"Of course, sir. I am merely attempting to emphasise the accused’s familiarity with the weapon used. His daily work will have made him intimate with the pork chop.
"The braised pork chop, for instance, may offer little as a weapon but let us remember that all meat products at The Meating Place are stored in a freezer before being delivered to the kitchen and the chop used in this cowardly attack was frozen!
"Can I refer you to the 1998 report from the Institute of Ballistics in Washington D.C. which confirms that a frozen pork chop coming in contact with the human head at even a moderate force can cause injuries not dissimilar to those inflicted by a baton wielded by a medium-sized police officer.
"As you know, sir, Section 202C of the 1961 Crimes Act is quite clear on the matter.
"It stipulates that an offence occurs when in assaulting any person, a person ‘uses any thing as a weapon’. Of course, a pork chop is a ‘thing’.
"The Act states that in a conviction for an assault of this nature the perpetrator is liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding five years.
"After hearing the evidence in this case, you may well be tempted to suggest an amendment to the Act to allow for a much higher threshold.
"As it stands, I can only urge the court to impose on this pork chop wielder the harshest penalty provided within the present legislation."
"Thank you Mr Wrightly. If any sentencing is required I will be guided by the present provisions of the Act, if it’s all the same to you. Mr Plumtree, you are defending," the judge said.
"I am sir and am happy so to do and thwart the miscarriage of justice my learned friend seeks so eagerly. My client never read the probably fake news item from Florida — Trump country — and the prosecution has produced no concrete evidence regarding the so-called weapon used in the alleged assault.
"It appears that a pork chop may have been cooked and eaten at St Clair shortly after the alleged offence ... I submit my client has no case to answer and must walk free from this court."
"Thank you. Case dismissed.
"Next case, I note, involves tomato sauce, eggs and bananas spread across the windscreen of a car in Bay View Rd. I suggest we break for an early lunch and I’ll return at 1pm," the judge said.
— Jim Sullivan is a Patearoa writer.
