The secret diary of ... The new pay equity legislation

Nicola Willis
Nicola Willis

Christopher Luxon
Christopher Luxon

David Seymour
David Seymour

Brooke van Velden
Brooke van Velden
By Steve Braunais 

BROOKE VAN VELDEN

As workplace minister, and more importantly as a woman, I am proud today to co-announce changes to pay equity legislation alongside Finance Minister Nicola Willis, who is also a woman.

NICOLA WILLIS

Yes. And we are joined by Judith Collins, Erica Stanford, Louise Upston and Nicola Grigg.

BROOKE VAN VELDEN

All women.

NICOLA WILLIS

Six in total, which is roughly the same number of women who vote for Act.

BROOKE VAN VELDEN

I don’t know if the finance minister has her figures right but that wouldn’t be the first time. Moving on. We want to send a message to women. It’s a powerful and uplifting message.

NICOLA WILLIS

Yes. The message of the government’s changes to pay equity legislation is that many women will no longer have to smash the glass ceiling.

BROOKE VAN VELDEN

That’s right. Because we’ve lifted the glass ceiling.

NICOLA WILLIS

That’s what the workplace minister meant when she said the message was uplifting.

BROOKE VAN VELDEN

Correct. The glass ceiling is now out of reach for thousands of women who were considering making pay equity claims.

NICOLA WILLIS

So no smashing. No broken glass or cut fingers. No more mess.

BROOKE VAN VELDEN

It’s all very clean. And cleanliness is very important to women. I can see Judith Collins nodding vigorously.

NICOLA WILLIS

Yes, and I can see Prime Minister Christopher Luxon across the room, and he’s waving and giving a thumbs-up.

BROOKE VAN VELDEN

Not a woman.

NICOLA WILLIS

Indeed not, and more of a man than David Seymour. Moving on. The reforms to pay equity will save the government billions of dollars.

BROOKE VAN VELDEN

Which will help plug the hole in Nicola’s upcoming Budget.

CHRISTOPHER LUXON

[Shouts] It’s got nothing to do with the Budget!

BROOKE VAN VELDEN

Quiet in the cheap seats. David Seymour has said about the pay equity reforms, and I quote, ‘‘I actually think that Brooke van Velden has saved the taxpayer billions, and she’s saved the Budget for the government.’’

NICOLA WILLIS

Patent nonsense, but what can you expect from a junior partner in the coalition government.

BROOKE VAN VELDEN

It’s National who are widely perceived as the junior partner. Look at Luxon over there. No-one takes him seriously. He’s walked away, and now he’s leaning against the wall with his name sewn on to his jacket.

CHRISTOPHER LUXON

[Shouts, gives thumbs-up] Great stuff, girls!

BROOKE VAN VELDEN

Did he just say ‘‘girls’’?

NICOLA WILLIS

No.

JUDITH COLLINS

I distinctly heard him say ‘‘girls’’.

NICOLA WILLIS

No-one is listening to you, Judith. No-one has listened to you for quite some time.

NICOLA GRIGG

Let’s move on, everyone.

BROOKE VAN VELDEN

Which Nicola are you?

NICOLA GRIGG

I’m the minister for women. And I’m here today to say that although the ministry itself was not told about the pay equity reforms or were in any way consulted, that’s all right because I’m the minister and I knew all about it, or a little bit anyway, I remember someone saying to me back in March that it was going to be a very good deal for women and not to worry about it.

JOURNALIST

Who told you that?

NICOLA GRIGG

David Seymour.