Now that the proposal for a waterfront high-rise hotel has been turned down, I can reveal the real deal.
The high-rise proposal was simply a softening-up ploy for the not-so-high rise hotel.
Because of my interest in preserving our heritage, I have been retained by the developers as a spokesman for the project, so here goes with my first $10,000 balanced and objective press release: ''NEW HOTEL WILL BE WELCOMED''
Good news for Dunedinites devastated by the short-sighted approach by the Dunedin City Council's hearings committee in turning down a perfectly reasonable application for a waterfront hotel which just might have shaded a few office blocks for a moment or two in the early morning.
Backed by multibillionaire Saudi Arabian oil magnate and scrap merchant Sheikh Itup Beybey, a group of progressive, forward-thinking and not-bad-looking local businessmen has plans for a hotel of equal capacity on a different site.
The hotel will cost $200 million and is, in the sheikh's own words: 'a, how you say, a small token of thanks for the kind way my student sons have been looked after in Dunedin. Especially by the traffic police. Very kind men'.
More details of this exciting, positive and planet-friendly project will be released as various agencies take up the 'administration payment' the sheikh is accustomed to paying to the authorities in his own country.
The details will be drip-fed so that, day by day, the public will warm to the proposal.
The hotel will be at Carisbrook and will still have 27 storeys but they will be spread over three nine-storey towers. Cunning, eh?
Rather more ground space will be needed but much of the Hillside site could be used as it is surplus to requirements after successive governments have strangled the life out of the place.
The architect's plan shows the three towers are spread out so that the sacred turf of Carisbrook remains undisturbed.
This was my own suggestion (for $20,000) as my local knowledge tells me that no hearings committee would have the courage to turn down a plan which uses the phrase ''preserve the sacred turf of Carisbrook''.
To drive the point home the three towers will be called (on my advice) Sutcliffe, Cavanagh and Latta.
That's where a bit of local knowledge is worth the fee. Not many Arabs are aware that by including David Latta, a man who should have been an All Black but who was mysteriously overlooked, public sympathy for the project will increase enormously.
The research shows the only area to be shaded by the buildings is a small corner of the Southern Cemetery and there have been no complaints so far from those likely to be affected.
Traffic access will not be a problem as a small administration fee paid to Transit has produced approval for a new on/off ramp on the southern motorway.
The hotel's backers admit that there is a slight problem with wind as, no matter how you arrange the three towers, a wind-tunnel effect is noticeable when the sou'wester gets up to 40 knots.
However, a small cluster of wind turbines will be included in the plan and, from these, free power will be supplied to any orphanages or workhouses nearby. Unbeatable public relations.
And the turbines will be no worse than the electricity pylons already defacing the area.
The company will fund an hourly shuttle service run by the Taieri Gorge Railway from Carisbrook to the railway station and also sponsor a Kiddies' Korner playground slap bang on the cricket wicket and the goal posts will be retained!
Show me the hearings committee that could turn down such a package.
Naturally, there are pluses for the investors and it would be unethical not to mention them. The very name Carisbrook will attract thousands of overseas rugby-supporting tourists.
The present Carisbrook Hotel will be purchased and incorporated in the complex and given a makeover as a ''typical old-time Kiwi rugby supporters' pub''.
The carpets and seating will have to go, but what nostalgia there will be!
Tourists will sport badges like ''I slept at Carisbrook!'' Until now, these have been worn only by the 1998 English team who were beaten at the ground 64-22 by the All Blacks.
The new hotel will be a winner and was to be called the Highlanders Hotel but the promoters are now seeking a new name.
Ideas from the public are welcome. It took 133 pages for the hearings committee to turn down the waterfront high-rise hotel and it's estimated that their approval for the Carisbrook towers will take only half a page of double spaced typing on an A4 sheet.
Saving? Three forests! The case is watertight.
Jim Sullivan is a Dunedin writer and broadcaster.
