After more than four years on the road providing the non-PC version of "how it really is", mental health campaigner Mike King says society is on the cusp of real change when it comes to suicide prevention.
"We’re really at a tipping point now but if we rest on our laurels the ‘must stay silent campaigners’ will get back in and they will shut this conversation down. Now, more than ever, we have to be more vocal in a positive way and talk about this."
King — who gave a presentation in Alexandra this week, his second talk in Central Otago in a month — says his presentations "are not about suicide", instead focusing on acknowledging the "inner critic" in all of us and how to build self-esteem.
Questions about suicide and suicide prevention arise from that and King answers them directly, his trademark humour giving way to serious straight talking.
And the more we can talk about mental illness and personal and societal issues the better, he says.
"The more we talk about this, the more people are comfortable in coming out with their experiences about suicide."
King’s journey of helping the masses started when he gave his first talks to schools in 2013 but his own journey had its roots in childhood.
With low self-esteem that started with concerns about his appearance, he spent his childhood being teased and with hardly any friends.
Then one day he defended someone by telling a joke and people thought it — and he — was funny.
"It was the greatest feeling of my life, the first real positive affirmation I had had."
He said it was "day one of my comedy career, but also of my downfall, because it meant I got my self-esteem from the approval of others".
He said fostering strong self-esteem was the most important job parents had but teenagers kept telling him too many of their parents were placing undue pressure on their children and criticising them.
King talks a lot about the "inner critic" we all have within us, that "little voice that everyone has in their head that no-one talks about ... the devil that undermines our thinking and second guesses things we are doing".
He wants people — in particular, young people — to know that is normal. Why?
"Because our kids think they are the only ones that have the inner critic, because no-one talks about it."
For King, his own self-esteem issues led to drugs and alcohol taking over and he said it was important to remember no-one who had drug and alcohol abuse issues wanted to have them.
"They’re [addicts] not doing it [substance abuse] to have fun, they’re doing it to run from the hell in their head. It’s the solution to their problems."
But when drug and alcohol were taken away, it was vital to replace them with something, and for King that "something" was counselling.
He took the advice of a "tough" policeman friend who regularly saw a counsellor and told King "you’re carrying a lot of crap and maybe you should dump some of it".
King credits the counsellor he then went to with saving his life.
"She helped me understand what was driving my behaviour."
King said counsellors "don’t fix you", but "give you the tools to help yourself".
"But you have to give them all the information about yourself. If you only give them half of it, they can only give you half the tools."
When it came to depression, King said it was important people realised the No1 sign was anger.
When it came to suicide, King said it was important to know that having suicidal thoughts was normal, and 90% of people had them at some stage.
Having recurring thoughts of suicide raised alarm bells, however, although most people still did not ask for help because they feared judgement or the stigma that could be attached to them. And putting labels on people was damaging, he said.
"Tiny little put-downs, like calling someone a drama queen or attention seeker, is causing our kids not to seek help."
King, who resigned from New Zealand’s suicide prevention panel earlier this year, saying the Government’s draft plan was "deeply flawed", said his "biggest beef" with New Zealand’s health system was still that there was no suicide prevention strategy, only intervention or postvention.
He was also angered that mental health and suicide prevention were the only health areas where people had to seek help themselves, and that people had to prove they were having suicidal thoughts to receive any help.
"The system subliminally encourages people to attempt suicide to get help."
He continues to plead for a change in societal attitudes and says it is up to everybody to help. When a person committed suicide, some people cast judgement and said "where were the parents, where were their friends?".
"My question to everyone is, where were you? Stop asking what is everyone else doing and let’s all ask ourselves what am I doing?"
Need Help?
Suicide/depression related
Healthline 0800 611 116
Lifeline Aotearoa 0800 543 354
Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
Samaritans 0800 726 666
Alcohol Drug Helpline 0800 787 797
General mental health inquiries: 0800 44 33 66
The Depression Helpline 0800 111 757
Specific numbers for children
Youthline 0800 376 633 txt 234 or talk@youthline.co.nz
What's Up (for 5-18 year olds; 1pm-11pm): 0800 942 8787
Kidsline (aimed at children up to age 14; 4pm-6pm weekdays): 0800 54 37 54 (0800 kidsline)
Rainbow youth (LGBTQ youth helpline): (09) 3764155\
Domestic Abuse
Women's Refuge: 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843
Shine: 9am-11pm every day, 0508 744 633
Shakti: for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and children. 0800 742 584
Rape Crisis: 0800 883 300
Others
Citizens Advice Bureau: 0800 367 222
Family Services Directory: 0800 211 211 or www.familyservices.govt.nz/ directory
Netsafe (online bullying, harassment or abuse): 0508 638 723
