Strong-willed, confident and intelligent, Lucy never thought she would be the victim of psychological abuse and yet, five years after ending a four-year relationship, she is only now starting to fully heal. In the last of our series on abuse, Otago Daily Times and Queenstown Times bureau chief Tracey Roxburgh talks to Lucy about her ordeal.
"I thought if I told my family, they would be disappointed in me ... I didn't want to let them down."
Lucy - not her real name - knew her family and friends weren't fond of her boyfriend.
At the age of 17, he was her first serious relationship - at the time she thought the mind-games and manipulation were part of a "normal relationship".
For the first year of their relationship, he treated her well but, when she started talking about moving to further her studies, the cracks began to appear.
When bribing her with presents didn't change her mind, he retaliated by ignoring her birthday.
Lucy moved to pursue her studies but within a fortnight he "came crawling back".
She finished her studies and during that time he appeared to be "really into me", so she moved back to be with him - and the cracks deepened.
"That's when he started getting really distant.
"I would be out with him and he wasn't interested in me at all.
"I would want him more because he was pushing me away.
"I had moved ... for him and I knew nothing else but him - that was my Saturday nights, being with him and his friends and doing what he wanted.
"I was all about his life really. I didn't play sport because I wanted to watch him play.
"It was the first serious relationship I had ever been in and I just thought that's how it was supposed to be.
"I thought that was a normal relationship."
However, after a year, Lucy decided she couldn't continue with the relationship and the couple broke up.
Unfortunately, that was just the beginning of the abuse.
As soon as Lucy started to see someone else, her ex-boyfriend began sending her "constant" text messages.
"I would get texts all day and night.
"He kept screwing with my head and I couldn't give 100% to anyone else.
"He could do whatever he wanted, but as soon as I started seeing someone it wasn't OK.
"A lot of the time he would tell me guys I was seeing were only interested in me for one thing and that he loved me and he could give me everything in life.
"That's when he would want me back and then, when he almost had me, he didn't want me."
He began to display "stalker-like" behaviour, somehow always knowing where she was and who she was with.
"I would be at a pub and he would show up outside.
"Every time I was home he would want to see me."
Things came to a head when Lucy returned home for a friend's party - he had been texting, wanting to spend the day with her.
However, Lucy said "it didn't feel right", so she turned down his request.
While she was at the party that night, he turned up and asked to talk to her.
He took her to his house, her friends following.
"We had a massive argument.
"He grabbed his gun ... My friends were sitting outside; they had followed us because they knew what he was like.
"He never aimed it at me; he just held it under his chin.
"I told him not to do this to me - I wanted to walk out, but at the same time I didn't want to walk out.
"A friend came in and got me out."
Lucy "blocked it out", returned to the party and checked on her ex-boyfriend several times over the course of the evening.
"I guess it was a bigger deal than I thought at the time.
"When I brought it up with him, he would just fob it off."
Even that was not enough to end contact with him - with Lucy trying desperately to remain "friends" with him.
"We had shared so much together and he had such a hold over me.
"When I didn't hear from him it would worry me - he was in my head that much."
However, with support from family and friends Lucy was able to gain some independence, perspective and eventually began to realise what a normal, healthy relationship should be like.
"It's not until you look back on it and talk about it you realise how crazy it was."
Lucy is now in a healthy relationship, but says she still struggles to be "completely there" because she has been hurt so badly.
Yet she has managed to draw strength from her ordeal and is now uncompromising when it comes to what she expects from a partner.
"It's made me so adamant that your family and friends are more important than anyone else.
"They are always going to be there and unless a guy is willing to fit into my life ... I'm not willing to be with them."
For anyone in a similar position, Lucy's advice is simple.
"Don't wait four years to get out."
Thanks to contributors - it's not easy
Eight weeks ago, we began our series on abuse in conjunction with Jigsaw Central Lakes, the Te Rito Family Violence Collaboration Group and supported by the "It's Not OK" campaign.
Our aim was to make a difference - to encourage people to look out for others and, if they suspected help was required, to reach out to them.
We wanted people in abusive relationships, regardless of their age or gender, to know there is a way out and that there are people waiting to help.
We wanted people abusing others to understand what they are doing and stop.
And we wanted to tell the stories of survivors.
Rest assured, talking about abuse - no matter how historic - and knowing the information will be available for public consumption is a confronting, daunting and sometimes terrifying prospect.
But to those of you who have been brave enough to tell us your story, thank you.
If, over the past eight weeks, we have managed to help just one person, we have achieved our goal.
