Queenstown Times Bureau chief Tracey Roxburgh charts the ups and downs of training for the Lindauer Fitness and Fashion Challenge.
Saturday, May 8
9am: Am trying Zumba. Kind friend comes. I go to back of class, far away from window.
9.15am: Renaming Zumba to Zumbahaha. Have spent the better part of 15 minutes laughing at myself. Co-ordination skills non-existent.
9.30am: Why does instructor look sexy and I as if my arms and legs were received 30 minutes ago? Friend feels my pain; she accidentally kicked someone.
9.40am: Instructor whistling and pointing at us as if we are sheep dogs. Gets ferocious look of disbelief when I am stretching because one leg has seized up and will not bend.
Starts clapping at me - assume this is to make me bend further. Doesn't work.
10.15am: Go from Zumbahaha to gymnasium to put myself through "bringing sexy back" torture.
11am: Finished and have learned lesson ... avoid all reflective surfaces. Realise have spent two hours at gym. On a Saturday.
5pm: At Wakatipu rugby clubrooms and am losing mind.
There are cheese rolls. With butter.
Am watching rugby players inhale pies (some have one for each hand) and meat sandwiches.
Flatmate almost has to physically restrain me from telling one off.
He finished a cheese roll in two bites.
Is like blasphemy.
Is worse for Lindauer lady Jackie Guiney.
She has to serve the food.
Has look of torture on her face as she dishes up meat sandwich.
Sunday, March 9
10.30am: Feel cheated. Feel as if I had large night on town.
Instead was in pyjamas by 10pm and got reacquainted with couch.
Think automatic hangover is payback for years of abuse.
2pm: Just completed Tobin's. Only stopped once and it was a necessity (shoelace incident).
Monday, March 10
6am: Joined at Pump by brave friend who played first game of rugby in many years on Saturday and now has haematoma down her entire right side.
She is inspirational.
I cannot complain about odd pain behind knees.
Tuesday, March 11
5.25am: Cannot exit bed. Will make up for this tonight.
10.53am: Despite abominable failure at Zumbahaha on Saturday, have agreed to try again tonight. Is not possible to be less co-ordinated.
11.18pm: Have frightened myself. Agreed to do Pump before Zumba.
Will be spending two hours at gym for the second time in four days. 6pm: Pump instructor Jenny Proctor advises any non-newbies should put more weight on bar.
Believe this does not apply to me.
Is only my fourth Pump experience.
7pm: At Zumbahaha and am working out facial muscles and tear ducts due to uncontrollable laughing.
One friend made mistake. Wore fluorescent clothing which draws attention.
Have three friends there - our arms and legs are flailing, but we look nothing like instructor.
7.30pm: Had out-of-body experience; vow never to dance in public again.
If this is how one dances without aid of sponsor's product, do not want to imagine how bad it looks post indulgence of social lubricant.
Wednesday, May 12
9am: Training with Richie Lambert. Makes me push dumbbells into air. Notice these are heavier than ones I struggled with last time.
Richie thinks I can handle it. Arms - mostly left one - disagree, proven by left one giving out while trying to lift dumbbells to start.
9.40am: Visit to The Scales, for weighing, in less than 45 hours.
Am very anxious - heart has started to beat rapidly even typing this.
On up side, will have dealt with The Scales before sleep has even been removed from eyes.
On down side, by 6.05am on Friday day could be ruined.
10.36am: Email from Winter Festival event manager Steph Percy about ticket sales for The Great Unveiling. Says tickets are "going through the roof".
Butterflies breeding in stomach and heart beating faster than after intervals on rowing machine.
Think there are 400 tickets. This is a lot. Is double the number of pupils at my (now non-existent) intermediate school.
I panicked about having to give speeches in front of my class at that school, and those speeches did not involve unveiling and parading.
Thursday, May 13
10.48am: Notify Lindauer Ladies of healthy recipe website. Mention recipe for passionfruit cheesecake.
Sarah Cole says I am not allowed this until June 28 even though it's healthy(ish).
Consensus is I will make cheesecake for morning of June 28. 4pm: Have been feeling nauseous since 3am.
Believe it's possibly due to confronting measuring devices tomorrow.
And likelihood of sold-out show in less than six weeks.
Friday, May 14
6am: At gym.
Have mentally prepared for The Scales.
Find room is in use so have to do exercise first.
6.20am: Was advised best time to stand on The Scales is in the morning, after bathroom stop, before eating or drinking.
Was going to try not to drink but Richie is making me do new boxing exercises, involving lying down, jumping up and running on the spot like ninny before hitting him.
Need rehydration.
Take little sips.
6.40am: The Scales.
Stand on them with eyes squeezed shut and start chanting (in head) "like a feather". Richie says I lost 3.5kg.
Am very happy with this.
6.41am: Richie gets funny look on his face and says "4.6".
Reply "4.6 what?". Responds "kilograms".
Apparently his first calculation was incorrect.
Make him recount four times (don't trust his maths now).
Not sure who is more surprised.
Ask Richie if he could also subtract the 500ml of water consumed before weighing.
He doesn't.
Noon: Feeling remarkably buoyant on way to Decode for rendezvous with The Measuring Tape. 12.10pm: This is indeed a Good Friday.
Missing: 27 centimetres.
If you see any or all of them, please tell them to book a one-way ticket to the Gobi Desert.
I never want to see them again.
Five weeks to go and I think I may have just turned the corner ... Hellooo, motivation ... Hellooo, Tracey!
Tickets for the 2010 American Express Queenstown Winter Festival Lindauer Ladies Fashion Afternoon on June 28 cost $39 and are available through www.ticketdirect.co.nz; at the Queenstown Events Centre or by telephoning 0800 224 224 (03 450-9110).
