Let’s hear it for the Grinches.
You’re expected to love Christmas, find it the most wonderful time of the year. Even the Japanese, who traditionally did not celebrate this very European holiday, have in recent years gone all in for the Yule, tree and all — although in Japan the festive bird has 11 secret herbs and spices, the preferred Christmas dish being KFC.
If you say you hate Christmas, people immediately picture you kicking a Labrador puppy.
Anyone who doesn’t like Christmas is labelled a Grinch and people will try very hard to change their minds by wearing reindeer antlers and earrings with flashing lights and being especially cheerful.
Bah humbug, there are plenty of reasons to not like Christmas, and honestly, you should be able speak your truth without people looking at you like you just said you agree with David Seymour.
People who hate Christmas can feel it coming the way someone tied to the tracks can feel the train. The ads featuring beautiful people wearing violently colourful beachwear and Santas in shorts and jandals set their teeth on edge. Mariah’s first yodel gives them a twitch. The holiday haters don’t tend to let on though, they keep their feelings to themselves. But their voices should be heard and this year I’m here for them. Here’s why:
SPENDING TIME WITH IN-LAWS IS ROUGH
Take Aunty Carol, who isn’t actually related to anyone but has been coming to your parents’ house for years ever since her car broke down on the street outside and has all the personality of a cigarette butt in your chardonnay. I mean it, just take her.
FAMILY DRAMA IS AN ARSE ACHE
Why is it that despite the fact that you love your sister madly and would beat up anyone who was mean to her, three hours in you’ve reverted to siblings warring over a pink jumpsuit?
TENSION BETWEEN BLENDED FAMILIES
Someone always thinks someone else isn’t doing a good enough job of something.
DIVORCED AND REMARRIED FAMILIES
Expected to shuttle between parents, stepparents and various others on the day in a mad joyless itinerary conveying children who have had too much sugar and totally lost the plot in a sticky six-door wagon smelling of vomit.
OFFICE PARTIES
You have to work with these people all year and now you are expected to have wine with them, ruining wine for you.
RELATIVES DISCUSSING YOUR SINGLE STATUS
Why yes, my "desperate search for a man" does makes me feel like Bridget Jones, who is a moron.
HOLIDAY SUPERMARKET SHOPPING
Hell pushing a trolley loaded with $800 worth of groceries through a thankless checkout, trying not to openly cry at the price of charcuterie, putting it all away and then wondering where it went.
GIFT GIVING COMPETITIVENESS
When kindness is seen as one upmanship, it’s impossible to get this right. Give them all a piece of cardboard.
HORRIBLE FAMILIES
A real thing. Imagine sitting listening to your four siblings argue over grandmother’s inheritance while she is still alive. Gruesome.
I am boycotting Christmas this year, instead spending the day walking to the James MacKay hut. Hopefully I will not encounter any cows on the way, as I have on every practice hike so far.
Maybe they are trying to be friendly, but if cows just stopped to think about how it comes across when a bunch of them crowd around you, staring and saying nothing — maybe I wouldn’t constantly have to go the long way around to avoid them. The Heaphy seems cowless going by the photos.
For those of you also skipping Christmas entirely, taking advantage of the fact that the whole country is shut down and silent and spending the day watching movies alone and eating KFC in the Japanese manner, I salute you. May the day be free of bovines in your path and may Die Hard be on your streaming services.
For those who hate the holidays but choose to participate anyway, I admire your bravery. Just put on your reindeer antlers and slap on a smile. It’ll be boxing day before you know it.
