"Well, not really. It had 365 days and 12 months but I can’t say it was great. I bought it because it had a Rugby World Cup but that was a fizzer."
"Indeed, indeed. But if you check the small print you’ll realise all we could offer was the tournament. There’s no guarantee about the result. That’s in the hands of a higher power. The TMO rules our lives, sir, not the humble New Year salesmen."
"Fair enough. I notice you did guarantee wars of some sort throughout the 12 months."
"Oh, yes. That’s a given. Always happens and some customers enjoy them. In fact, insist on them. Our new model makes the same promise."
"Can I have a look at it? I need to buy a New Year of some sort. Even a spare for the wife who usually goes her own way in everything."
"You’re in luck. The brand new 2024 has just arrived in the showroom. Fresh from the factory with only one day on the clock. It comes with some great extras. I know you like sport so you’ll have the African Men’s Handball Championship in February and March 17 is the day of the Russian presidential election. Of course, we know who will win but at least it will be St Patrick’s Day so that should liven things up everywhere except Russia. If Mexico is in your travel plans there’s a total solar eclipse visible there on April 8. Quite a year, don’t you think?"
"Well, nothing there which excites me, apart from St Patrick’s Day but every year has one of those. Have the manufacturers run out of ideas? Anything local?"
"Glad you asked because, and wait for it, in October King Charles III and Queen Camilla will visit New Zealand. How about that?"
"Not that impressed. To tell the truth, I wouldn’t cross the road to see them and unless they come to Patearoa that’s really an extra I won’t need."
"Oh, dear. I was hoping we could find something for you. There’s plenty to choose from in the Used Year Department. Certainly cheaper. There’s 2019 and 2020 but there’s a touch of Covid in them and I’d be lying if I told you they’re germ free. Of course, if you’re a lover of old years our vintage year man, Lionel, can help you. He has a beautiful 1942. Wartime, of course, and the original bullet holes are still all over February. It may be out of your price range but Lionel also has a very rare 1066. Signed by William the Conqueror. Set you back a few million though."
"That’s ridiculous. A plain old 2024 is all I need."
"That sounds a bit boring, if I may say so, for a man with your intelligent interest in the world. There’s a 2024 extra I can throw in for just $500. You’ll love it. It’s a snap election about July. Actual date to be confirmed, of course."
"Couldn’t handle another shambles like the last one. I just need an ordinary year."
"Not a problem. The standard 2024 will suit you just fine. There’s been a government directive to have all days and months in English only so that’s a saving but it will jog along for 12 months and you needn’t worry. It has a full 12-month warranty. If any days are missing we replace them with a new one at no cost."
"I can’t pay the full price right away. Do you take trade-ins? I have a used 2023."
"Oh, dear, oh, dear. No good to us I’m afraid. As we said before, 2023 was a washout. Only fit for landfill, as we say in the trade. There’s always time payment. Half now and half before January 2025."
"I was hoping to spread payment over, say, three years?"
"Can’t be done. Years are the very devil on hire purchase. Twelve months maximum, I’m afraid. I shouldn’t tell you this, but you’re a special customer and for you I’m prepared to offer our Super 2024 Deal."
"Tell me about it."
"For you, completely free, gratis and for nothing, we’ll throw in an extra day!"
"A whole day? Free?"
"Exactly. Your 2024 will come with a February 29th! Now, how’s that?"
"Tempting, very tempting."
"It will be a Thursday, so on the Tuesday you can write some rubbish about Leap Year. A ready-made column, really."
"Great. I’ll take it."
"Lovely. Just sign here. I hope you enjoy your 2024 and here’s a free 2024 calendar for you. There’s a lovely picture for June. It shows South Dunedin under water. Happy New Year!"
— Jim Sullivan is a Patearoa writer.
