In the beginning there was the Catchment Board which worked to help the people of the land. Then came regional councils which didn’t.
It is written in the Otago Regional Council’s (newish) testament called the Book of Gretchen, chapter 1: verse 1 — otherwise known as the Great Long Term Plan — that the people hereafter must obey her law and that of her six disciples — Alan, Elliot, Alexa, Lloyd, Andrew and Tim — as they deliver a great tax from which there will be no return.
For know ye all of you, my people, sayeth the chair, that I have devised plans for you — to prosper and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future as written in the book of Jeremiah 29:11 who was a real prophet but completely unknown to the current disciples.
But what if the plan is wrong and does great and unaffordable harm to us, cried the people? But the great council turned their faces away from this truth.
And it came to pass that a great rate increase descended on the people for many years to fund a monument called the Great Temple of the Council where the disciples gathered once in a while to speak sagely amongst themselves of things hitherto unknown to them.
Where rules were handed down to protect the wildlife of the fields and the birds of the air. Henceforth and forever, insects and single-celled organisms’ survival must take precedence over the provision of milk and honey.
Now, the people enjoyed growing useful produce to sell to a place called overseas and they were rewarded for their efforts. But no longer should two ears of corn be grown where one once grew. The locals were greatly vexed at this decree and spoke rough words to each other about the Book of Gretchen.
The rivers that helped grow food for the lesser species called humans, must now abound with fish and flow with great clarity and abundance to the oceans and the winds shall not produce power for the people, nor shall they be kept warm, least a dingbat be smote down by the great blade of a turbine in a place where no-one lives nor visits.
And so, the people were weary and greatly burdened — yet no rest was offered, for everything (rural) had a season under heaven, an open season. There is a time to be silent and a time to speak, sayeth the whispered voices.
An election cometh with an opportunity to remove many of the disciples who did not understand this new world. Some called for the people to lift their eyes to the mountains from whence cometh some help. And then came a sign from above — a no-access sign Ecological Reserve, where the wild animals flourished and multiplied.
Yet it also came to pass that the people who provided food and shelter were unhappy. For they were ruled from afar by those unused to the ways of the plough and the drill and honest toil. The disciples saw these things as instruments of death to all creatures to be saved by the Great Plan which valued the unknown creatures of the fields.
The Skinks and the Gecko were so highly prized that they must not be moved to a safe place called a reserve or a habitat for sacred beings where they could multiply and be safe . The people saw this and were troubled and wondered why food and milk and honey were no longer wanted and needed instead.
Thus the word was written and passed by the six disciples, that the birds of the air are to be protected as nature decrees — but only when uncooked — as demanded by another soon to be extinct gathering called Fish and Blame, whose job it as to protect all fowl so they could be unprotected later — a time called open season on the flocks.
This greatly troubles the peasants who lived and toiled greatly on the land but were pleased not to be confused with the feathered pheasants who end up in the oven (180 degrees for two hours).
The birds of the air also bring a great bacterial plague called E. coli to the stored waters of the land which the disciples of the Great Long Term Plan still strangely ignore, unless you live in Queenstown.
Now the good people of the land saw these grievous transgressions forced by the disciples of the Book of Gretchen and wondered why they were compelled to pay money in order to help the disciples impose, with reckless abandon, decisions that will bring the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to the rural lands and at a full gallop.
For time was running out for the rural species unlike the Great Council’s source of money. For it was known the Great Council was never short of other people’s money.
But the people cried out — we need hospitals and schools not just insects, but cheaper food and warmth and houses we can afford.
Now the great Authority finally heard these words and said, "Verily we say unto you — that you all must read the Book of Gretchen which shall provide you with great comfort as you pass, but not nearly as much comfort as the disciples who still worship at the plush temples of environmentalism and are found all over this land".
It appears forgotten that the appointed disciples are to represent the people and not just the perjured beliefs of the few.
But be of good cheer, for as autumn and winter passes, spring will bring new growth and new councillors, but then the people cared not as they had heard and read the Book of Gretchen too many times before to bother to vote.
• Gerrard Eckhoff is a former Otago regional councillor and Act New Zealand MP.
