A marriage was a rare thing in Growing Up Coro; now marriages are decided on the pulling of a pint. Death? Murder? Incest? All the time.
When I was growing up, everything was fast.
The only thing that was slow was Coronation Street.
I would run from the room with fear in my ears when the show's awful dirgey drone theme began moaning its way out of the telly.
Television was exciting then.
And fast.
Even pudgy old Lloyd Bridges on Sea Hunt seemed fast.
But Coronation Street was slow.
Imagine then the confusion I am now feeling with Coro not only superb television, but superb fast television.
And I swear that trumpet theme has a finer melody than the first Bruch violin concerto.
Is growing old that deceiving? In the warm glow that growing old can so often be - I regularly fall asleep in front of television, even during key NBA basketball games like Boston-Cleveland - I am on the edge of my seat and bolt upright for Coro.
Why has it become so fast?
Travel has sped up the most.
Nobody travelled anywhere in Growing Up Coro.
But in Growing Old Coro, characters decide to visit a foreign country in the morning and they're unpacking at the other end by the afternoon.
It started with the almost perfect Raquel, who fled to Dubai in the blink of an eye in 1996.
That one tore the floodgates apart.
Now it is just open foreign-country slather.
Las Vegas, Canada, Spain, Australia, Florida . . .
God alone knows what Hayley is doing in Africa.
Steve and Eileen decided to go to Malta within minutes, leaving two families and two businesses in disarray, even though Eileen hasn't got a bean.
Sarah weasled herself a trip to Milan and told Jason they had to book immediately, even though it was Christmas Day.
So off they went, leaving three businesses and two families in disarray, though Jason didn't even go in the end, but that's because he's thick.
David reckons he gets more feedback from his rabbit than from Jason.
A marriage was a rare thing in Growing Up Coro; now marriages are decided on the pulling of a pint.
Death? Murder? Incest? All the time.
And the CARS! Phew! In recent Growing Old Coro, Danny, Paul, Tony and Liam have all had flash fast cars, though they sometimes go into the canal or hit something.
And don't get me started on Carla, but she is fast.
Of course the ultimate fast in television is Superman.
Only those who watch television all the time will know how important Superman is to the small screen.
Superman was referenced either visually or verbally in every single episode of Seinfeld.
That is 180 consecutive references.
And if you are watching television all the time because you are semiretired and have no life skills, and I have unashamedly painted myself into that corner, then you will know about Smallville on TV2.
This is Superman Growing Up, Clark Kent as a teenager, and on the same weekend the Highlanders knocked over the Crusaders, Smallville answered a question about the great man that had been gnawing at the minds of rational thinkers for a very long time.
What if Superman had rumpy pumpy? Think about it.
The man can blow a safe off its hinges by just sneezing.
What would happen to his partner if he, ummmm, you know, ejaculated? Adult Superman of course never did such a thing with Lois Lane, but Growing Up Superman is a whole different kettle of hormones.
He is a good ol' American boy and he has the lascivious Lana.
It is impossible for him to have gone without.
And go without he finally did not that Friday on TV2.
But here's the thing: Lana survived the Big Bang because she had acquired superpowers as well. It was a stunning episode; there were earthquakes all over town, Lana boggle-eyed and breathless from a combination of kryptonite and lightning.
Coro can only dream of being this fast.
Roy Colbert is a Dunedin writer.
