There is never just one victim of violence, with family members often caught in the middle of their worst nightmare - and unable to do anything but be there and hope their loved one will see the light. For one mother, watching her daughter suffer at the hands of a psychologically abusive ex-boyfriend for four years was its own form of torture. In our continuing series on abuse, Otago Daily Times and Queenstown Times bureau chief Tracey Roxburgh finds out what it is like for a family who feels helpless to stop the pain.
Minutes after Lucy's boyfriend held a gun to his own head, threatening to kill himself in front of her, worried friends who heard her screams called her mother, Holly.
Holly and Lucy - not their real names - had always had a close relationship, but over the preceding four years Holly felt she had lost her daughter to a boyfriend who was psychologically abusive.
For Holly, that incident is still hard to talk about.
After the couple broke up, her daughter moved to another town to get away from him, but had to return home for a friend's party - held close to where he lived.
"He got her out [by saying] he wanted to talk to her.
"She went ... [to his house] and her friends followed.
"[They] were in the bedroom. She told him it was over and he pulled a gun out and held it to his chin.
"She was screaming, 'Don't do this to me.' I was [out of town] and her friend called me and told me.
"They were outside and heard the gun click."
The pair had met at high school but by the end of the second year of their relationship, Holly knew something was wrong.
"They had been together two years ... he basically broke up with her because he didn't want her to [move to another city]."
That break-up - one of many - was short-lived and the couple soon got back together.
However, it was a tumultuous relationship, with the only constant being controlling behaviour that whittled away the spirit of the bright young girl, leaving her depressed, scared and sad.
"She broke up with him, but he kept contacting her.
"The texting was the worst thing. He would just text all the time.
"We [her father and I] had identified there were issues, but we couldn't talk to her about them at the time.
"It was terrible - she would hide away in her room and her phone would constantly be receiving texts.
"They had broken up, but he wouldn't leave her alone; she couldn't have anybody else."
Before the gun incident, Holly saw a job advertised that would require her daughter to relocate, and she encouraged her to apply.
"She applied for the job and got it, relocated and it was all off, but then she had to go home for her friend's ... party."
The heart-wrenching phone call received that night will forever haunt Holly and when Lucy returned home, they talked about what had happened.
"I just told her I knew ... and I told her he needed help.
"My biggest regret is when I knew about it, I didn't go and talk to the police and put the formal complaint in."
While Lucy was adamant her ex-boyfriend would not have killed himself, Holly talked to her about a family friend who had.
"She told me later that comment made her realise we were right to be concerned.
"I called his mother and she told me she'd had concerns ... no mother wants another mother to ring and say they're concerned about your child, but I would rather have rung her than [not intervened].
"Later [Lucy] was abused because I did that, so she went off at me - it was always our fault."
Holly said that for the majority of the four years spent in the relationship, her daughter would "block" the family out.
"I was so worried about her - he seemed to know everything she was doing and everything that was going on.
"For me, when I stepped in, was the gun incident. We knew a lot, we'd seen a lot and we had never intervened, but we were always there."
However, there was a fine line between being there for Lucy and trying to force her hand, which could have just as easily backfired, Holly said.
"A lot of the time, we would walk on eggshells. I could spit on him, but I never rubbished him ... we never did anything to push her [to him].
"We could have lost her if she didn't have that support ... because we were always there for her and never put [him] down and never got her to choose between him and family, we were able to ride the storm out.
"You have just got to support them, always be there for them, even though you hate ... the control someone's got over your child."
When Lucy was ready, she spoke to a counsellor, but even so it took several years to fully heal, Holly said.
"It's ruined her relationships - it's taken her until now to be able to trust a male, to have a healthy, normal, functioning relationship.
"She's a different girl now ... it's been worth riding the storm because we have our happy, vibrant daughter back."
• See next Wednesday's Queenstown Times for Lucy's story.
