If I took you out to the old ballgame, how would you know which team to support? Let's find you a Major League Baseball team to follow, in the third of our handy guides to American sport.
Previously, we have suggested which NBA (ODT, 17.2.11) and NFL (ODT, 7.9.12) teams you might want to consider adopting.
There are 30 MLB teams, so there is plenty of choice.
I have enlisted the help of an actual American, former Otago Daily Times sub-editor and Nuggets assistant coach Zach Hosseini. Like me, he's a Boston Red Sox fan.
The evil empire
Worth a category of their own. -
1. New York Yankees
They're the Crusaders, mixed with the Melbourne Storm, crossed with the Los Angeles Lakers, multiplied by 100 Manchester Uniteds.
You might admire their history and fancy the cap with the cool logo. But you must not become a Yankees fan.
Bandwagon teams
The ones you should probably avoid lest you are accused of simply jumping on board while the going is good. -
2. San Francisco Giants
Have won two of the last three World Series. Also: Barry Bonds.
3. St Louis Cardinals
Soaked in glorious history but they are just too successful. Their tally of 11 World Series titles is second only to the Yankees' 27.
4. Texas Rangers
Have been powerful in recent seasons, though the roster looks a little depleted this year.
Relatively pointless
Teams with little compelling reason to be embraced. -
5. Houston Astros
Original name: Houston Colt .45s. Now they're just shot (sorry).
6. Colorado Rockies
Fine name but little history, and they're not very good.
7. San Diego Padres
Ditto on all three counts.
8. Toronto Blue Jays
Won the World Series in 1992 and 1993. Have not made the playoffs since.
9. Philadelphia Phillies
Hosseini: ''Stay away. Miserable fans, miserable city and their time has passed.''
10. Kansas City Royals
Eric Hosmer and Billy Butler are good players. Who will eventually win something with other teams.
11. Cleveland Indians
Despite years of protests, the team still has a name and logo that ''perpetuates Native American stereotypes''. Tsk tsk.
12. Seattle Mariners
Though they do possess one of the great pitchers, ''King'' Felix Hernandez.
13. Miami Marlins
Won the World Series twice as the Florida Marlins. Have just got rid of virtually all their top players, saving money but alienating their fans.
14. Arizona Diamondbacks
Not a bad team but nothing to get too excited about.
15. New York Mets
Hosseini: ''Dysfunctional, and I believe their owners are wrapped up in the Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme, so there's not a lot of cash floating around, which means the team probably won't be very competitive.''
Tempting
16. Tampa Bay Rays
Hosseini: ''Lots of talent and a great manager, but there are questions whether they'll remain in Tampa because their stadium, though not that old, is a disgrace and is not built for baseball. It'll be almost impossible to find a fan-in-arms to discuss the team with because most of their die-hards are transplanted pensioners, who, of course, will die soon.''
17. Chicago White Sox
There is no greater scandal than the 1919 ''Black'' Sox, who threw the World Series.
18. Detroit Tigers
Hosseini: ''Another old-school team with a great history and great present. You wouldn't suffer in your initial fandom as they're loaded with talent (Justin Verlander, Miguel Cabrera). Also, it's kinda cool to root for Detroit.''
19. Baltimore Orioles
Great name (it's a bird), decent young team, wonderful stadium.
20. Minnesota Twins
Led by a great catcher in Joe Mauer.
21. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
That's a mouthful. The Angels should be great to watch with Albert Pujols and spectacular youngster Mike Trout at the plate.
22. Atlanta Braves
Hosseini: ''They're on the rise again after a few years in the wilderness. They have been known as the best talent evaluators in baseball for some 20 years, so there's a good chance they'll always be competitive. Also cool if you're fascinated by the American South.''
23. Milwaukee Brewers
Named to honour the city's brewing industry. On German Heritage Day (seriously), they wear uniforms with ''BIERBRAUER'' on the front.
24. Pittsburgh Pirates
Hosseini: ''Great history (Roberto Clemente), and they have what many call the most beautiful of the `new' retro stadiums. Andrew McCutcheon is one of the brightest young players in the game.''
Choose one of these
Our six recommended Major League Baseball teams. -
25. Chicago Cubs
Hosseini: ''The longest suffering franchise in baseball. But Theo Epstein is now at the helm and if he brings home a championship, he'll be considered probably the greatest general manager of all time by ending both the Sox and Cubs curses. The Cubs may not compete for two or three more seasons.''
(Meikle: The Cubs have not won the World Series since 1908. Epstein was in charge of the Red Sox when they broke their own 86-year drought in 2004.)
26. Los Angeles Dodgers
Hosseini: ''Turning into the Yankees of the West. I'll be shocked if this Galacticos project works.''
(Meikle: I sort of like the Dodgers because of their glorious history. They are entering bandwagon territory because they have spent hundreds of millions on players.)
27. Cincinnati Reds
Hosseini: ''There's a lot to like here. They have tradition, a beautiful stadium and the talent to compete for the next several years.''
(Meikle: ''Joey Votto. Awesome.'')
28. Washington Nationals
Hosseini: ''See above, but without the tradition part.''
(Meikle: The Nationals possess the next great pitcher, Stephen Strasburg).
29. Oakland Athletics
Strictly speaking, should be on the bandwagon list because of the extraordinary success of Moneyball, the book (then movie) that introduced uber-smart general manager Billy Beane and led to the explosion of advanced analysis in sport.
Hosseini: ''The drawbacks here are the futures of Billy Beane and their stadium. Franchises that are strapped financially need pseudo-geniuses like Beane to compete. If he ever goes, they might be very, very bad again. The stadium they have now is a monstrosity. There has been some talk about them moving to San Jose (about an hour away), but they always seem to be dark horse candidates for relocation because they don't draw well and their owners haven't seemed particularly committed to Oakland.''
30. Boston Red Sox
Hosseini: ''Don't even get me started on these [word deleted].''
Meikle: That sums up a Red Sox fan. It's boom and bust, spectacular glory followed by spectacular collapse. The Red Sox have a wonderful history, littered with as much futility as success. Famously, they sold Babe Ruth and did not win another World Series till 2004.
Google Bill Buckner. They won again in 2007, then splashed huge money on building another championship-contending team. It fell to bits last year and the team was broken up. Be prepared for anything if you adopt the Red Sox.
