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On Father’s Day last Sunday, my son Tuki rings me from boarding school and says, “Happy Father’s Day māmā … thank you for being both māmā and pāpā”.
He is kind and empathetic and I also think he is deeply sensitive, although he might argue otherwise.
It’s interesting, this notion of being the dad and the mum from his perspective.
He is the youngest, his pāpā died when he was 9, so he has very much experienced a longer time of me trying to do it all and cover it all for the kids.
In fact, he was 4 when Tahu got sick, so he really saw less of Tahu doing the fathering and more of me juggling the parenting balls.
It was really just a timing and pecking order situation.
Ripeka had quite the different experience, being the oldest and the only daughter, she had much more consistent time from Tahu as her pāpā and her memories are simply different.
Timo had another experience yet again, as the oldest son — his memory of Tahu being a strong disciplinarian and comedian was far bigger in his time capsule than Tuki
I learnt that each of their memories and experience of their pāpā was different but, without a doubt, equally important and valid.
Timo and Tuki tell me that there is a dynamic with the boys at their boarding school that really affirmed to them the beauty and the strength of mothers.
It also allowed them to love me openly and without any kind of shame or embarrassment for doing that.
They talked to me about many of the boys being raised solely by their mums.
I am not sure of the circumstances with their dads, although some were absent and others had passed away. However, their mothers were solid.
Timo said many of his mates would talk openly about how much they loved their mums, ringing them and telling them they meant the world to them. There was also a respect there and you could tell that their māmā was both good cop and bad cop and everything in between. I think that was a silver lining in them going to their boarding school. They developed a stronger respect for women and their bond with me strengthened significantly.
I never expected, like any mother, that I was going to be a solo mother, it’s never the plan but it happened. It’s been humbling and grounding and of course, I had no choice but to accept it.
You learn some lessons pretty quickly — that there is no time-out for māmā, that you sort of have to consciously give a wider love as if you are both parents, that you do have to balance good cop and bad cop, that the kids can’t pit one parent against the other and that it’s all on you, in the moment you have no-one else to talk to about how to fix a situation, you are on your own — but I have felt like I have almost had double the love and double the attention and that has felt overwhelmingly beautiful at times.
In our tribal traditions there are plenty of examples of solo parenting in various forms. Papatūānuku and her husband Takaroa separated and she was left to raise children.
She went on to a blended whānau situation when she then fell in love with Rakinui and they had children together. Hineatauira separated from the father of her children, Tāne and she raised some of her children and he raised the others. Māui was thought to be stillborn and his mother ceremoniously put him in her top knot and out to sea.
He was found and raised by two elderly men, Mū and Weka. There are many other examples of solo parenting and blended whānau situations. Beautifully, this validates the variety of parenting and reinforces that not one size fits all.
Timo had an end of year dinner type graduation from boarding school last year and every year 13 boy had to do a speech. It was to express their gratitude to their positive influences, teachers, school leadership, friends and whānau.
Timo has a bit of the gift of the gab so he spoke well and confidently. However, there wasn’t one boy who didn’t take the time to share some tears for their mother and how much she meant to each and every one of them.
The other part of Father’s Day that is personally the most significant, is that the kids always acknowledge the various male role models and actually, people role models it has taken to raise them.
Their various uncles, including my brother and Tahu’s best mates. Their pōua (grandfather) being the most important. When Tahu was given a few weeks to live, he had a conversation with Dad, asking him to be there for me and the kids, and he honoured his promise.