A few of my favourites

After reading the summary for the UN report on animal extinction, I got as sad and upset as the time I read the summary for the UN report on climate change, writes columnist Kate Oktay.

So I decided to write an article on the environment, which is, on the scale of depressing, a full 10 black dog rating. To help me cope with the shoulder sagging happiness vacuum, I wrote a list of things to cheer myself up.

Here is my top 10 divided into two articles - one before, and one after - to get you all through the trauma of thinking about the world's fast-approaching violent end. Like using good white bread to make a not-allowed-to-say-it sandwich. Bon appetite.

CATS

I like all animals. I am the sort of person that mostly thinks animals are better people than people. But cats I love the best. You never really own a cat, they just decide to be with you, mostly because of your opposable thumbs and fine ability with a can opener. Cats do exactly as they feel without any compulsion to accept that you might have gained in any sort of power imbalance by feeding them. If you call a cat and it comes it is because; a) they like you, b) they happen to feel like it, or c) they think you might have something delicious and they have calculated that if they pander to you for a while then you will probably hand it over. Cats tolerate you and really adore the armchair that is closest to the fire.

An obsession with cats runs in my (mental-ish) family. My brother has been considering a tattoo of our childhood cat's face on his stomach. "I just can't decide, you know. Angry face or happy face?" he says while demonstrating angry face by hissing and raising a clawed hand as the rest of the family give each other silent and barely discernible he-has-finally-lost-his-mind looks. My father has a cat he definitely likes more than any of his children. It comes on the farm with him. Though to be fair, there is no way the rest of us are going to sit in ever decreasing circles with him as he puts in swedes so, it is probably a justified hierarchy. My niece has a cat which she dresses a lot of the time. It sleeps in a bassinet by her bed like a furry angry baby.

Cats have a terrible attitude which I find admirable. There is a reason why they are 78% of the internet; cats make you feel better.

WATCHING FIVE YEAR OLDS PLAY SPORT

Small children really are awful at sport. For this reason, I recommend you try to hunt down a match. A plethora of own goals, an incapacity to understand who won or lost, and a lot of on-field karate kicks and twirly dancing. Recommend.

PIES

Pies make people happy. It's a scientific fact.

COLD NIGHT + HOT FIRE

Its position on this list is amended by two things - firstly, when is it in the year? May? It's still on the best list. November? It's screaming to the top spot on most hated. The second addendum is; what were you supposed to be doing? Did you have a terrible evening thingy that had a distinct work/networking flavour to it that you probably should have gone to? In this case, sitting inside as the weather lashes against the window, in fat pants, eating a wheel of camembert while binge watching a Phoebe Waller-Bridge Whatever is close to perfection. As a middle-aged woman this is the actual best evening you can have. Rock. And. Roll.

LOOKING UP GERMAN COMPOUND WORDS ONLINE

There is far, far more than wanderlust and schadenfreude. The Germans have truly captured the petty annoyances, universal neuroses and the ridiculousness of life better than anyone. Think of the best comeback 20 minutes too late? It's a treppenwitz. Eating the last of the chocolate in the kitchen after you just ate the second to last of the chocolate in the kitchen and the person who should have had a share of said chocolate catches you? The lack of any excuse which will get your out of trouble is called an erklarungsnot. Backpfeifengesicht is someone who has a slappable face. It's nice to have a word to describe these people that is more precise than "dickhead".

So, these were a few of my favourite things, like a demented Julie Andrews staccato shrieking you into the next column about the coming collapse of civilisation.

Happy days!