We walked in as five professional adults. There was handshaking, polite introductions and talk about the weather. We walked out as five drunks.
There was backslapping, stumbling down stairs and what was being talked about would never be printed here.
We were over the legal driving limit and we were a disgrace.
The idea of the evening at the Dunedin Central Police Station was to hold an experiment to see how much alcohol five people, ranging in weight from 64kg to more than 100kg, could drink before we were over the legal driving limit.
The passive hand-held testing device used indicates "no alcohol", "failed youth" (150-400mcg) and "failed general" (more than 400mcg).
Results are then verified or corrected through an evidential breath test.
Sergeant Chris MacAulay, of the Dunedin strategic traffic unit, had the unenviable task of testing us between drinks.
He warned us there were many variables which affect our breath-alcohol level and time was one.
While we were aiming to have one drink about every 15 minutes, he said it takes some time for the alcohol to go through our systems.
Bottom line: alcohol levels will continue to increase with time and testing our breath-alcohol level as soon as we swallow our last mouthful was not a real indication of our tolerance.
Fitness levels, energy levels, body shape and muscle mass all contribute.
After drink 1: The three men are finished their drinks within 10 minutes and waiting for the signal to crack open their next bottle.
They are all drinking stubbies of beer with 5% alcohol, the equivalent of 1.3 standard drinks.
Barb and I are on the wine.
We are pouring 100ml servings (one standard drink), and our wine is 15% alcohol.
We all "feel" sober.
After drink 2: I warned everyone in advance I was a very cheap date and after blowing into the passive hand-held breath-testing device, I return a "failed general".
After an evidential breath test, I return a level of 228mcg.
Sgt MacAulay says sculling my last mouthful skewed the passive result.
Barb returns a "failed youth", so she is sitting somewhere between 150mcg and 400mcg.
After drink 3: The tone of the conversation has changed.
No longer is talk of work and the weather. It is of body parts.
Barb is feeling "fuzzy", I would not consider driving, but the boys are staunchly "still sober".
The look on the sober Sgt MacAulay's face suggests he believes otherwise.
After drink 4: Jared is gutted to learn he is a "failed youth".
He sneaks to the toilet and drinks some water in the hope of keeping up with Chris and Greg.
Nice try, but it makes no difference, Sgt MacAulay says.
Greg is "relaxed", Barb reveals her attraction to "men in uniform" and Sgt MacAulay slips from the room.
After drink 5: I blow 478mcg and I am out.
No-one in the room feels competent to drive.
After drink 6: Greg is a "failed youth" and the pace is slowing.
After drink 7: No-one is listening to me and my notes are becoming illegible, even though I have stopped drinking.
Chris "would not even look at the keys."
After drink 8: Barb is "failed general" and the evidential breath test confirms she is now no longer legal to drive.
After drink 9: Greg returns a level of 472mcg, Jared 400mcg and Chris is 368mcg.
While I have not had anything to drink for about 45 minutes, my level has risen to 530mcg.
It seems things really do get worse before they get better.
Sgt MacAulay is thrilled to drop us all home.
Later he tells me none of us appeared fit to drive after four drinks, while he would question Barb and my sobriety after two or three.
"That's why we say, just don't drive.
"There are so many variables with each person.
"No-one can ever say for sure how much they can safely drink before driving.
"Just don't drive," he warns.
