"Nana's dead," he pronounces, before bursting into tears, his emotional storm prompting a similar downpour nearby.
"Yeah, Nana's dead," comes the confirmation, uttered amid a hug both fierce and tender.
Three days later, the same 4-year-old boy, in his best shirt and jeans, charms funeral-goers as he dispenses service sheets with an earnestness that fails to stifle a mile-wide grin.
His 2-year-old brother also delights in the crowd, although certainly seems less aware of the circumstances despite a similar matter-of-factness in his statements in the preceding days: "Nana's dead. Nana's dead? Nana's dead!"
The words could become tiresome (painful even, given it's my mum to whom they are referring) but, according to those who help others deal with death, the dose of reality on which two young boys have built their refrain is essential.
In her 2004 book, Children's Grief, author Pam Heaney points out that though death is ever-present in the world of children - they see dead animals on the road, read about giants and ogres being killed in fairy tales, act it out in imaginary games, are exposed to it (willingly or not) via television images - many adults still seek to protect them from its reality, thus ignoring the possibility that children might need to grieve, too.
A former grief counsellor, educator and funeral director, Heaney says children between 4 and 6 years old believe death to be a temporary state, that the deceased still have feelings and bodily functions (perhaps that explains the mile-wide smile).
Those below the age of 3 might react to news of death but have little understanding of its meaning; for children between 7 and 10, death might become personified and frightening; beyond the age of 10, children begin to comprehend that death is the end of life (religious beliefs notwithstanding).
The best adults can do, Heaney claims, is to offer children a means to learn about, and cope, with death. Don't tell the truth and you risk losing the trust of a child once they discover (perhaps years later) the reality of the situation. And trust is not the only casualty. Death also brings a potential loss of innocence and security.
Sue Bain, a child advocate and counsellor for Barnardos, one of a variety of agencies offering grief support, says she answers children's questions as directly as she can.
"I just say it as it is, be honest. I use clear, child-friendly language. Often they will have questions about who will look after them. Often children will blame themselves ... I tell them it's not their fault. I talk about the changes that might happen for them, their feelings."
A counsellor for 10 years, working largely with victims of domestic violence ("as far as trauma goes, that's about as bad as it gets . . ."), Mrs Bain says children should be allowed to grieve, even to be angry.
"We might do some rituals, get a child to write something about that person or draw something about how they feel, put something on the coffin. It is about treating them as people," Mrs Bain says.
"For older kids, maybe there would be a ritual around the funeral, making a memory box or journal of all the lovely things about that person ... creating a memorial of that person is quite a nice thing for a child to do."
She likens grief to a wave. When someone dies, the wave crashes down ("You feel quite tossed about"). Later on, those waves will be less frequent. Nonetheless, the odd rogue one will continue to arrive.
"When a family goes through such a trauma, whether it is from a long illness or an accident, we often forget about our children. They might be playing in the background or lying in bed at night. All of a sudden, they have tummy aches or headaches or can't concentrate at school or are starting to act aggressively ...
"If a family just can't cope, is coming undone, they should ask for professional help for themselves and their children. Grief goes on and on," Mrs Bain says.
Discussing death with a child can also be a symbiotic process, Mrs Bain suggests. By attempting to help a child deal with grief, an adult might also better come to terms with it.
"Children always amaze me with their strength. You don't realise their ability to cope with stuff. If only they were given an opportunity to talk to somebody about it.
"The smaller ones have some really curly questions to ask: 'where does the body go?' 'Why do people die?'. I talk about the cycle of life; everything is born and dies. I also tell them that people never really die; they stay inside your heart."
That message of remembrance and celebration is at the core of Central Otago author Kyle Mewburn's children's book, Old Hu-Hu.
Mewburn and Wellington illustrator Rachel Driscoll won the New Zealand Post Children's Book of the Year Award as well as the Picture Book category last month for a work described by judges convener Rosemary Tisdall as a "beautifully and sensitively told story of the loss of a special friend, which helped to explain death and would reassure young children the spirit of someone could live on".
This week, Old Hu-Hu was short-listed by New Zealand librarians for another award, to be announced next month.
Asked what prompted him to write the story, Mewburn says death is a subject many writers grapple with.
"What happens when we die? I don't know. I didn't feel I could offer children any answers either. Which is why, in the end, my story 'about' death slowly transformed into a story about a little bug's search for meaning after the death of his beloved Old Hu-Hu.
"In many ways, I think grief makes us all children again - especially when death comes unexpectedly. Many people have their faith to sustain them. But I think for children faith is as much a mystery as death, so there's little consolation for them," Mewburn says.
"Writing Old Hu-Hu was a personal journey, too. Like Hu-Hu-Tu, I set out to find a consoling philosophy. The unexpected conclusion for me wasn't that memories burn on inside us, but that they burn most strongly when we actively celebrate the lives of loved ones lost."
Mewburn says he has been overwhelmed by feedback from parents, mostly, telling him how his book had helped their children come to terms with the death of a loved one.
"In those circumstances I don't think anything can help very much, but I'm humbled and touched by the fact they take the time to write. I guess Old Hu-Hu helps insofar as it offers something concrete for children to latch on to.
"One young boy wrote to tell me he was very sad after his pet rabbit, Pesky, died. But after reading Old Hu-Hu he felt a bit better. But that has more to do with the power of books than my book specifically."
The language of loss is nothing new to Kathi McLean, of Central Otago Reap (Rural Education Activities Programme), who is a co-ordinator and trainer for Seasons For Growth, a series of activities designed to help children between the ages of 6 and 18 deal with grief, loss and other major life traumas, including violence, separation/divorce and disability.
The education-based programme, established in Australia in 1996 and running in a range of Central Otago schools for 10 years, involves narrative, story-based therapy. It is not counselling, Mrs McLean emphasises, though the aim is similar.
"It is about kids having knowledge of what is happening to them. A lot of them don't know why they feel the way they do. We give them a language for feelings. My belief is that a lot of these kids cracking up in high school haven't had their loss addressed in early years.
"We try to put these programmes in as interventions in primary schools, where it is a lot easier to get into because of their timetables, but the programme goes right up to 18-year-olds."
Seasons For Growth, used in New Zealand, Australia, the United Kingdom and elsewhere, is based on the work of J. William Worden, professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School and author of Grief Counselling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, widely used around the world as the standard reference on the subject.
In 1991, Prof Worden developed a model he dubbed the "Tasks of Mourning". On the premise that grief is work, requiring dedication and active participation on the part of the person who is grieving, he breaks his tasks into the following:
> To accept the reality of the loss.
> To work through to the pain of grief.
> To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.
> To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.
In the Seasons For Growth programme, these four tenets correspond to autumn, winter, spring and summer.
"Children understand about leaves dying, falling off, of change occurring," Mrs McLean explains.
"The basis of the programme is that change is inevitable, loss happens all the time and within this programme a child's change is acknowledged.
"Everyone tells their own stories. Within each group they are listened to. We never have siblings in the same group because everyone's story is different, even within the same family. You never question the child's story because it is their reality.
"With death, sometimes children can be forgotten. They can be quiet or naughty ... they are just trying to accept the reality of the loss. A powerful person in their life is suddenly dead - that is dramatic.
"Change, no matter how sad it is, will happen. But this gives them a peer group, a support network and an understanding that change is normal and OK. It gives them skills to cope, that if someone is missing a parent, sibling, grandparent or friend, they can access ways to make them feel better," Mrs McLean says.
"I think resilience is so important. You are giving kids skills not to stay in the depths of despair."
~ GRIEF TIPS ~
Preschoolers (3-4 years)
Find it hard to understand death is permanent. They may also have "magical" thinking, such as thinking someone could come alive again or thinking they made the person die.
Common reactions can include:
• looking or calling out for the person who has died
• fearfulness, clinginess
• fretful, crying more irritable or more stubborn - more tantrums and playing up
• withdrawing or showing a lack of response
• changes in eating or sleeping habits
• dreams or sensing the presence of the person who has died
How to help them:
• Maintain routines
• Tell them they are safe and who is looking after them
• Comfort them with hugs, cuddles, holding their hand and encouragement
• Be patient with regressive behaviours
• Explain death as part of life, so they come to understand it bit by bit. Using examples from nature may be helpful, such as watching plants grow, bloom and die or seasons change, or reading a book together about death and bereavement
• Encourage play, both creative and physical, as an outlet
Children (5-12 years)
Still learning to understand death and may have some confused thoughts about it. Some may still think death is temporary, or that the person who has died may still feel things, such as being cold, hungry or lonely. They may ask where the person is now and have blunt questions to ask about what happened to the person and to the person's body.
Common reactions can include:
• looking for the person who has died
• having dreams about or sensing the presence of that person
• blaming themselves for the person's death
• easily distracted, forgetful
• increased fears, such as of the dark or of others' safety
• feeling embarrassed about being different from others - they may want to hide or deny their loss
• physical complaints, such as tummy or body aches, headaches, feeling sick
• changes in eating or sleeping habits
• temporary regression in toileting, speech, self-confidence
• irritable, more tantrums, being defiant or developing antisocial or aggressive behaviour
How to help them:
• Reassure them they are safe and who is looking after them
• Maintain routines
• Keep expectations about behaviour consistent
• Tell them you know they are sad - use words that describe feelings
• Allow questions and provide honest answers
• Include them in planning the funeral or doing something to remember the loss, such as making a memory scrapbook or lighting a candle
For older children in this age group (10-12 years)
By this age, children generally know death is final. They are also more aware of how adults and others are reacting to death. This age group also has social, hormonal and physical changes that do not stop for grief, so this group may also:
• be especially anxious about the safety of family and friends, and themselves
• feel stronger emotional reactions, such as anger, guilt or a sense of rejection
• want to take on more adult responsibilities, trying very hard to please
• feel different from peers and be more likely to hide, deny or minimise their loss
• want to spend more time with friends for support
They need:
• time to talk with you and other trusted adults
• to know you understand their grief
• regular encouragement and attention
• opportunities for emotional outlets - such as sport, physical activity, creativity
> GRIEF SUPPORT
According to nationwide support agency Skylight, about 60% of people require no formal support to manage their grief; they rely on their own personal resources and resilience.
About 30% of us benefit from extra support, such as reading information, counselling or peer groups.
The remainder require extra support and intervention from counsellors, psychologists or doctors because their daily life is disrupted so severely that they cannot function. This is when the phrases "prolonged" or "complicated grief" are used.
