But when a month ago I bit hungrily into a Shapes Roadies Crispy Cheddar Potato Skin, the finest new nibble food I have tasted in some time, and spat half of it, plus a piece of tooth, across the lounge with a howl of pain, I thought I would go back to the trough one more time.
The offending Roadie appeared to have been made out of metal. It may be revolutionary to put a piece of metal in a bag of Shapes Roadies, but it is also dangerous if they are eaten by old men with deteriorating teeth. Like me.
I wrote to the Arnott's marketing department in Auckland, Cellotaping what was left of the offending bit to the bottom of the page. "It may be revolutionary to put a piece of metal in a bag of Roadies," I wrote, clearly miffed, "but it is also dangerous if they are eaten by old men with deteriorating teeth. Like me."
The phone rang on the morning of July 6 at 8am. I was fast asleep having a scrummy dream about ponies. My wife tapped me gently awake by whanging the top of my head with the phone and said it was Arnott's.
Trouble in store. My brain usually doesn't get out of its drawer until 10.15, and that was the 10.15 brain that wrote the letter.
The woman, polite of tone, professional, wanted first to know when I wrote the letter. Three days ago, I said. It is dated June 3, she replied. She was wondering why it took so long to get to her. If you know your keyboard, you will know June 3 is not a typo for July 6. I think that is probably because I am an idiot, I said. Humbly.
She laughed with a ripple which reminded of a particularly pretty piece of river down by Bulls Creek.
And then went back to her business voice. It seems Arnott's takes complaints like this very seriously, and she assured me my letter and half-eaten Cellotaped Shapes Roadie would be going straight to Australia for analysis. I applauded her for this, as any consumer worth his salt would. She said she would be back in touch very soon and I thanked her with all of my heart.
Two minutes later she was back in touch. She had forgotten to inquire after my dental health and the cost of surgery following the bit of tooth hurtling across the lounge. Pfft, I replied. I told her my dentist was an extremely close personal friend and would no more charge me for glugging up a chipped tooth than attach his dog to a cheap Taiwanese skyrocket and send it to the moon.
On July 10, Sharlene Reily from Arnott's sent me a product replacement voucher for $10.
Bwahahahah! Not just product placement, but product REplacement.
Outstanding. And then on July 13, Pam McKenzie from Arnott's reported that the error had most probably occurred during the doughforming process or if the dough had not be evenly distributed through the hopper or die head. No mention of metal, which was fair enough. I'd exaggerated that part of things quite extensively.
A lesser man would call this closure. All I know is Shapes Roadies were on special a week later at New World and I was able to get not two but three bags from my voucher. I ate them while watching all the deaths and overacting on Coro - you can't put a bag of Roadies down once you've started - and I can say to you with an unmoving eye that every single one of them was utterly perfect.
- Roy Colbert is a Dunedin writer.
