The secret diary of . . . Christopher Luxon's last seconds

BY STEVE BRAUNIAS

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The rumour mill is rife that beleaguered National Party leader Christopher Luxon faces a leadership coup amid calls for his head to roll.

Poor polling has fuelled an incinerator of resentment towards the Prime Minister from within his own Cabinet.

And one name keeps being mentioned as the most likely successor — his good mate Chris Bishop, in his role as Brutus conspiring to dress Luxon in a toga and stick it to him like unto Caesar.

Word within Parliament has it that Bishop is positioning himself as the right man to carry National’s horse on his sturdy shoulders across the winning line in next year’s election race.

Christopher Luxon is about to meet press gallery journalists and all eyes will be on the PM to see whether he has telltale reactions — a crazy laugh, perhaps, maybe even floods of tears hinting at mental distress and the need to be taken into psychiatric care — to rumours which have grown to fever pitch and caused sleepless nights for press gallery journalists.

Here he comes now.

Prime Minister, is there any truth to rumours that you are about to be replaced as leader of the National Party and as Prime Minister?

Christopher Luxon

No.

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And there you have it. An answer that has failed to douse the explosive geysers of innuendo and speculation.

But if Christopher Luxon is unable to quell fears, then all eyes will be on Chris Bishop, in a test of his loyalty to the troubled National Party leader — or whether he sees it as an opportunity to steer the ship into the loading bay of electoral bliss.

Bishop is about to meet press gallery journalists, and he can expect a severe grilling from seasoned observers who pin their deepest hopes on securing a scalp.

Here he comes now.

Mr Bishop, is there any truth to rumours that you are about to storm the palace gates and write your name in the sand?

Chris Bishop

No.

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Not an especially convincing answer there from Chris Bishop. But one man does not a plot make, and rumours are spreading that Bishop is being backed by MPs who are afraid that Luxon is leading them down the road to the cul-de-sacs of Hell.

They want Bishop as the man to bring about a reversal of fortunes for National and restore their popularity in this crucial juncture in our country’s destiny as war clouds brew over Europe.

Behind closed doors, many say that Erica Stanford is driving Bishop’s bid to poison Luxon in his sleep and feed him to swine kept in a pigsty round the back of Parliament.

And so, all eyes are on Stanford as she plots and schemes to inspire a revolution comparable in scale to Moscow in 1917.

Stanford is about to meet the media and will have to steel herself for hard-hitting questions from sleepless press gallery journalists that seek to shed light on the darkness within National’s soul.

Here she comes now.

Ms Stanford, is there any truth to rumours that you are chivvying Chris Bishop like a stoat from its burrow to take on Christopher Luxon and inspire a brand new day in the age of Aquarius?

Erica Stanford

No.

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In a startling development, here comes the Prime Minister again. He appears to have a statement. This could be political dynamite about to blow up in his face.

Christopher Luxon

Two years ago today, I was sworn in as Prime Minister to rebuild our economy, restore law and order, and deliver better health and education. Since then, we’ve got rid of wasteful government spending which has helped drive down inflation and interest rates, and we’ve banned cellphones in classrooms.

This is all good stuff. And there is so much more to do.

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And there you have it. The coup is definitely on.