MONDAY
— Attend my first press conference as deputy prime minister and speak solemnly about international affairs to strengthen the perception I am a world statesman worthy of respect.
— Name some worthy academic no-one has ever heard of and hold them to ridicule.
— RSVP to the birthday party for a child of an influential donor from the Atlas Project.
TUESDAY
— Take credit for the budget cuts to Radio New Zealand to strengthen the perception that Act is a powerful enemy of state-funded left-wing propaganda that attacks Act at every opportunity and gives Labour, the Greens and old scribble face a free ride.
— Increase state funding of Act’s comms department.
— Confirm that I will be happy to play pin the tail on the donkey at the Atlas Project birthday party.
WEDNESDAY
— Ridicule Labour MP Willie Jackson for his comments that the Regulatory Standards Bill is set up for my mates from powerful corporations who are following their manifest destiny to despoil the countryside in exchange for massive profits which ought not be subject to tax.
— Meet mates for a drink.
— Draw a line in the sand and decline an invitation to actually play the donkey that gets a tail pinned to it at the Atlas Project birthday party.
THURSDAY
— Give Act’s comms department the hard word to find someone who has made ridiculing remarks about me so I can whine and complain about it to strengthen the perception I am constantly under attack by the intelligentsia.
— Find a way to undermine Luxon.
— Find a way to undermine someone who votes Green and hugs trees.
— Find a way to undermine someone who can be described as a Māori fanatic.
— Find a way to undermine someone who performs selfless acts for the betterment of society and gives hope to families doing it hard but who is associated with Labour.
FRIDAY
— Seek private medical treatment for multiple puncture wounds inflicted by rich little brats wielding really sharp pins who seemed to take great pleasure in pinning a donkey’s tail all over my body at the Atlas Project birthday party. Their parents seemed to enjoy it too. I can still hear their mocking laughter.
By Steve Braunias
