Don, Don, Don.
Forgive me if I remind you of Mum, but you really need to sort yourself out.
I know you gagged on dead rats you felt forced to swallow by your past minders, but frankly you desperately need someone holding your hand and looking after your image.
I am not suggesting anyone should spit on a hanky and rub spots off your face, but a bit of saliva to get that fork-in-the-toaster hairstyle under control wouldn't go astray. I know you didn't go crazy in your teenage years. Frankly, if you had it might have spared you and the rest of us a whole lot of bother since, but 70 is not the right age to make up for that.
Odd hair might work for those other old has-beens Donald Trump and Elton John, but unless you are prepared to start questioning everyone's birth place or burst spontaneously into Like a candle in the wind then, frankly, don't go there.
Frankly, you have to stop using that word because, to be frank, when you keep saying it, frankly, it makes it sound as if everything not prefaced by it is, to be frank, not entirely truthful, and frankly, even those things you say you are being frank about become, frankly, a little unbelievable.
And those interviews! What were you thinking when you allowed The New Zealand Herald's Claire Trevett to peer into your freezer?
Don't you know many of us are so hooked on trivia that we will remember you had peas, corn, a boneless lamb roast, a big slab of fillet steak and two Big Ben pies and never know anything of your concerns about the economy?
The pathetic story about you heating up the corned beef night after night in your lonely flat may have served you well once, but boneless lamb roasts and fillet steak don't have the same appeal. Pies might strike a chord with the masses, but shouldn't you be setting a healthy eating example if you are wanting to slash health spending?
As for blubbing when talking to former Act MP Deborah Coddington, how was that a good look?
According to her article, you were moved by the beauty of democracy at the time. A frankly ridiculous sentiment coming from someone who orchestrated the removal of a party leader when not actually a card-carrying member of that party himself.
It is not the first time there has been reference to tears in an interview. If you want to be taken seriously, frankly, the blubbing has got to stop.
It is too easy for such leaks to look self-serving or silly. ( If you need a reminder of this, just recall the antics of silver bodgie Bob Hawke from across the Ditch. He at least could have claimed he was being nationalistic because there are crocodiles in Australia. Repeat to yourself "we will never catch up with Australia by copying the shedding of pointless tears, we must have huge welfare, education, health , labour and tax reforms, sales of any family silver remaining ...")
Sorry to sound so negative about everything to this point, but rest assured, I have the answer to your PR problems.
You need to marry.
Kate and Wills' wedding showed how one motley collection of misfits , namely the Royal Family, can attract fab attention so why couldn't it work for you and Act?
You could get Kiri to sing, I am sure, and I can already see old chum Michelle Boag heading hordes of hideous hat wearers.
Mark Todd could round up a few horses to accompany the wedding party, but please don't choose the carriage option. Too many opportunities for embarrassing moments. Best to go for one of those old-lady Japanese cars requiring minimal leg movement on entry and exit.
Your loyal subjects would love such frugality.
The search for a suitable wife has already begun. I would offer my services, but sadly admit to being a tad conservative and judgemental, believing it's best to avoid nuptials with any man who has admitted previous adultery.
One good thing about your history is that I need not confine my quest to single women. In these heady and frankly silly days, I almost wonder if Katherine Rich might be interested?
Didn't she once gush that your affair with Je Lan showed you had red blood flowing through your veins?
Following in Rodney's footsteps in this instance, by marrying a young woman and producing a sprog with an embarrassing symbolic name, would be tacky, despite the appeal of the name Orewa.
A Maori bride would stop those unkind and unfair racism slurs. The ultimate PR coup would be marriage to the older woman, widow Titewhai Harawira , but sadly that's likely to cause too many tears before bedtime and not just from Hone.
• Elspeth McLean is a Dunedin writer.
