In the past few days there has been considerable frenzy in party headquarters, according to hopefully reliable reports oozing from those smoke-free rooms.
But it is not the prospect of a grey Budget which has them in a tiz-woz . o, they have their eyes on the election propaganda war.
Imagine the scene at Labour HQ.
Phil Goff : You cannot hope to bribe or twist, (thank God!) the British journalist. But, seeing what the man will do unbribed, there's no occasion to. You cannot hope to bribe ...
Annette King: For goodness' sake Phil. What next? Last week you were practising grinning while mangling your words in front of a large mirror. You sounded nuts and you looked, well, I am sorry to be cruel, a bit like a cadaver the undertaker hasn't done a particularly good job on.
PG: But don't you see, I have the answer to our PR woes. I know my hipness with hair dye and the motorbike didn't work. I tried to tell Rick Barker that a Harley would have gone down better with the masses than that Triumph, but now, I've got it!
AK: What? Don't you own your own Triumph now? You are beginning to sound worryingly confused Phil, and quoting Humbert Wolfe like a mantra is not helping. How is that going to win the election? Can I just point out our journalists aren't, for the most part, British, nor are they all chaps.
PG (sighing): It has nothing to do with motorbikes or anyone's nationality or sex, sorry, gender. It is to do with coming up with something the media will fall all over themselves to promote because there's a Facebook page with thousands of members and more thousands of twits are tweeting or tweets are twitting or whatever it is that these people do.
AK: Be a little careful there, Phil. May I remind you, you also tweet. You are being disparaging about wonderful people who could vote for us.
PG: Exactly my point. What we need to do is come up with something that is available for a supposedly limited time that those lovely intelligent prospective voters will be desperate to stuff into their stupid faces.
AK: I am picking up mixed messages here. I hope it is not sour grapes because the idea of taking GST off fruit and vegetables isn't getting much traction.
PG (exasperated): It has nothing to do with that. There's going to be nothing healthy about it. People will love it, even though it will cost them money. They will queue up for it because they will think it is something special and that the PC brigade are trying to stop them from having it. That will all be rubbish, of course, but we will make sure they truly believe it. It will go viral! I love that word viral. It sounds so wonderfully unhealthy and hip at the same time.
AK: And how will this happen without us putting a lot of money into promoting it?
PG: The media, led by luminaries in television and talkback radio, who know a real news event is always one where they don't need to think much and where there's a chance to get free stuff, will do it for us. Honestly Annette, it can't fail.
AK: And what will this thing be called?
PG: The Double Tick burger.
AK: And what will be in it?
PG: It doesn't really matter. It just has to have lots of calories without much nutritional value. A bit of tomato sauce - red is our colour after all - is as close as we will get to a vegetable. We could say it boasts two delicious pieces of original policy, seasoned with 11 secret blurbs and vices ...
AK: Secret?
PG: Yes, that will add to the intrigue and appeal.
AK: Have you forgotten where secrecy about the Exclusive Brethren got Don Brash?
PG: No, but he's made a comeback and Act poll results have gone up.
AK: So have ours, Phil. I don't mean to be a wet blanket, but has it occurred to you that, as well as running into some tricky legal territory here, we will be up against our opponents copying this idea?
Already, I'm hearing gossip about Act's Hollow Burger (full of empty calories and designed to convince voters Don has a sense of humour), Winston illustrating his style over substance with the Double-Breasted Burger, Mana and the Maori Party fighting over who should have the rights to the Double Brown Burger and the Greens trying to agree on the existence of a high-calorie unhealthy lentil burger or if they'd be better to opt for a free-range egg and pork combo. Forget the fast food Phil.
PG: "You cannot hope to bribe ..."
- Elspeth McLean is a Dunedin writer.
