'Thrones' best bits thrown

Gwendelbum is the illegitimate daughter of Lord Oedipus and Lady Probably-His-Sister (or similar) in the latest sex, violence and incest-fuelled X-rated fantasy romp set to stun faint-hearted Dunedin television viewers.

She stands winsome and sweet in the naked ladies' bathhouse, when her wafer-thin gown slips tenderly to the cold stone floor, exposing ... exposing ... well, everything really.

In a nearby scene, gaggles of topless women-of-the-night perform the most unpleasant (to watch) services on drunken knights fresh from blood-soaked forays into the haunted woods.

Or something - I had my hands over my eyes.

Game of Thrones is fantasy at its most violent and nudely naughty, with two beheadings in the first few minutes, and a comely girl performing an activity best described by a word somewhere between "fell" and "Fellini" in my dictionary - on a dwarf.

Yes - a dwarf.

All these remarkably vigorous activities drip constant from Game of Thrones.

Sadly - if you watch it on free-to-air - all the very good bits will be removed.

When Game of Thrones staggers drunk, debauched and not quite sated from its timeslot tomorrow on Prime, the station will "carefully edit episodes to comply with BSA standards, mindful to ensure storylines stay intact, for its free-to-air debut".

Game of Thrones fans watch the show for its storylines in the same way I read Playboy for its interesting articles back in the 1970s, when I was an excitable teenager with too much time on my hands.

The evil trick being played on viewers is that the full, milky-white, pert, pendulous and voluptuously nude and sex-soaked version of the show has been playing for some time on the excellent SoHo channel on Sky.

That is the same channel that has dragged television to new heights with shows such as Forbrydelsen, and Kelsey Grammer's truly masterful depiction of corrupt Chicago mayor Tom Kane in Boss.

But Prime viewers, when finally allowed to see shows for grown-ups, have all the good bits taken out!This is the very worst form of discrimination.

Removing the rude bits from shows for those who cannot afford Sky is just manipulative.

One can only hope viewers will use their imaginations when the show starts at 9.30pm.

Game of Thrones is based on the bestselling fantasy series A Song of Ice and Fire, by George R.R. Martin.

The drama, which is well epic, is set in the world of Westeros, a savage place full of incest, murders and plotting between clans.

It stars Sean Bean, who was Boromir in The Lord of the Rings.

It is as medieval as all get-out.

Enjoy it - but know this: You are missing all the good bits.

 

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