Sunny skies darken as lows become apparent

David Loughrey
David Loughrey.
The weather report on the evening news is a good opportunity to reflect on the fact there are other cities and towns in New Zealand, places outside Dunedin. Most of them are pretty appalling, as shown in this weather report specially developed to give a Dunedin point of view, writes David Loughrey.

 

AUCKLAND

Some fog for Auckland tomorrow with isolated showers, mainly in the western suburbs, and then a warm and sunny afternoon.

Warm, damp clouds heavy with ennui will cling for a time to the disappointing pustules of Mt Eden and Mt Hobson before descending and infecting the city itself with their discontent.

The air for you tomorrow will be unpleasantly muggy, with a nasty aftertaste of poor planning that will clog up not just your vile roads, but the air density in the minds of your troubled people.

Your harbour and its wetlands will be affected by an outbreak of depressed atmospheric pressure, and heavy droplets of displeasure will fall from the skies and obscure the very essence of life.

Your high for tomorrow will be 18 degrees.

HAMILTON 

Some low cloud and fog around Hamilton tomorrow, maybe a little drizzle as well, gradually clearing for a fine afternoon.

The city will again be flat, and the winds of change are not expected to blow through the Waikato about midday to make any discernible difference to your lot.

A darkness borne on clouds of despondency will descend early afternoon, leaving hordes of empty-eyed locals striving, but failing, to find any meaning in their lives.

Expect a heavy dew to form in the tiled halls of your shopping malls and turn into a noisome goo that sticks to the soles and souls of shoppers, who will find themselves stuck in a hideous nightmare as they attempt to negotiate an empty world of consumerism as they try to make up for the emptiness at their city’s heart.

Expect some light winds towards evening, and a high of 17.

TAURANGA

Tauranga starts the day with some low cloud or fog, but clears to a sunny blue-sky afternoon, with some light winds.

New Zealand’s fifth-largest city will be unpleasantly bright, and a relentless, judgemental gaze will be fixed on its unfortunate lack of cultural institutions of any note.

Its public art collection, recently valued at an amusing $800,000, will waft away into an atmosphere of mild embarrassment.

Tauranga will suffer from isolated outbreaks of old age early on, and those are expected to take hold and build to a flood of retirement with waves of walking sticks that will batter the shores and seep slowly but surely into the city’s consciousness.

A high tomorrow for you, Tauranga, of 18 degrees.

WELLINGTON

Mostly fine in Wellington, maybe an early shower or two, and then clearing for a sunny afternoon.

The capital will be hilly tomorrow with some wind, benefiting from a strong similarity to Dunedin  with your well-preserved heritage and strong sense of gravitas.

We like you.

You’ve got a northerly breeze and a high of 15 degrees.

NELSON

Across the strait in Nelson there is a partly cloudy morning, with northerly winds bringing some showers in the morning, clearing later in the day. Wealthy Americans and hippies are on the cards for you today, and despite your clear need for change, the forecast, sadly, is for more of the same.

Give yourself a slap.A high of 16 degrees.

CHRISTCHURCH

There is weather in Christchurch tomorrow, but there will be no forecast because of the Crusaders, and other unresolved matters between us that we won’t raise here, but that include a general antipathy based on moral and philosophical issues, and also because your people are rather rough and often appear to have an unfortunate streak of criminality that we are not comfortable with.

Also, it is infuriating trying to find your way round a city that is dead flat on the odd occasion you are required to go there and cannot find a way to get out of it.

But mostly we just don’t feel that safe there, and the people in your supermarkets look dodgy somehow. Oh yeah, and your malls.Expect a high of 16 degrees.

DUNEDIN 

For you, Dunedin, early showers clearing by noon and then cloud in the afternoon, with showers returning tomorrow night with a cool breeze.At least that’s what MetService tells us.

But what’s the bet when we wake up in the morning it will be sunny, but nobody will come on at the end of the news and admit their mistake and apologise because again they got it wrong and made everyone think the weather was awful, which is both bad for our image and bad for our economy?

And what is cool? Isn’t that a subjective word that people throw about with merry abandon that means one thing to one person, and another to another?

Also, why use the word "breeze" when "gentle zephyr" or "lightly ruffled air" sounds so much nicer?

What do people from Wellington or somewhere know about our weather, or the sort of microclimates suburbs such as Mornington or Macandrew Bay have, and the effect of that in terms of the meteorological wellbeing of the city?

Nothing!

That’s what!

This is both abuse and the worst sort of discrimination, plain and simple.

No wonder we get so angry.Your high will be 13 degrees.

Comments

If we correspond to Abroad.

Auckland - weather in an early Antonioni. Ms Vitti with Grey Lynn ennui.

Tauranga - Taronga

Wellington - Seattle

Nelson - San Francisco Bay

Christchurch - Kent and Norfolk

Dunedin - Greenock, on the Clyde.