Old Norm has blown his pension on a Sky TV subscription and had us around to his place to watch the rugby in South Africa. Norm is one of those tragics who can’t watch a game without having a few drinks and his tipple has always been whisky with just a dash of water. I noticed that he was now taking his drink straight and asked him why. `Obvious, Jim. I’m saving water and money at the same time. It’s conservation that’ll save the planet, y’know.’’ Naturally, I was keen to hear more about Norm’s conversion to sustainability. ``Well, it all started with going to the dunny. I only flush now when I have to.’’ We’d all noticed that Norm’s toilet was a pretty pungent area but had been too polite to mention it. Now he was about to explain all. ``If you flush the toilet you use a litre of water. The council used to charge $1.60 for every thousand litres of water but now it’s $2.40. That’s a 50% increase! You wonder how they get away with it.’’ ``Well, they’ve just spent something like $1.6 million on upgrading the Patearoa water supply for 50 households. That’s $32,000 per household. They’ve got to get that back somehow.’’ ``Exactly. But I’m saving 80c every thousand litres so they’ll be a while getting their $32,000 out of me.” ``Hell, Norm. You’d have to go to the toilet a hundred times a day to save a few bob each month. You’re crazy.’’ ``No. No. I’m part of a worldwide crusade to save water. It’s all part of the ‘If it’s yellow, let it mellow’ campaign.’’ ``Sounds like some sort of nursery rhyme thing like ‘When in doubt, leave it out’ which old time journos are always muttering.’’ ``It’s more than that, Jim. It was a big deal a few years ago when California and New York were in the midst of a drought. Actually, it had a second bit, ‘If it’s brown, let it drown’. I’ve put a poster over the dunny with the whole thing spelt out. So that’s the house rule around here.’’ After that, the rugby watchers avoided going to Norm’s toilet and after the game dashed off to the flush-full haven of their own homes. I pondered about all this in the days which followed. I’d long realised that the regular visits of the electricity meter reader had ended years ago when a little aerial appeared above the meter box which was sending data back to the power company but I’d never seen a water meter reader, although the council assured me that a real person had visited Patearoa in July and November 2025 and March this year to check the meter. I had a look and, sure enough, there is a little row of numbers on the thing and I’m told that if you turn on every tap in the house and watch closely the numbers will turn. A bit like the odometer in a car. Pretty exciting really, but too expensive to become a full-blown hobby. The council, aware of the burden ratepayers are carrying with this extra 80c a litre thing, have released some pretty hard-hitting advice. Cut down your coffee drinking by a thousand cups and you’ll save that 80c. A thousand cups would cover at least a year of no coffee and I couldn’t handle that. Cutting out 25 minute showers would also save a cubic litre but would seriously damage socialising with those who have an acute sense of smell. Doing away with 11 loads of washing would save a litre as well, but smelly clothing would be as bad as body odour. American scientists have differing views on the great flushing debate. They work in gallons, of course, and one of them, much quoted by Norm, reported, ``the average person urinates about six times per day, equal to 7.6 gallons flushed. That’s about 2,774 gallons per year to dispose of about 171 gallons of urine. On the other hand, the average person defecates about once per day. If that was the only occasion on which a person flushed, that equals about 584 gallons flushed, saving 2190 gallons of drinking water. An individual would save about 500 gallons a year.’’ Only a genius could do the conversion from American gallons to New Zealand cubic litres of water, but I think I’d save maybe $2 a week by cutting down my flushing. Tempting, but countered by another expert who points out, ``urine has calcium in it. When left stagnant, crystals solidify which can cause clogging, preventing full flushes and wasting more water.’’ I didn’t understand all this but quote ``wasting more water’’ every time I met Norm. Sadly, he hasn’t asked me over to see any more of the rugby, but I can live without having to visit his colourful dunny. Dunedin writer and broadcaster Jim Sullivan writes the Nothing Too Serious column for the ODT.
