By Steve Braunias
MONDAY
Thanks for tuning into my TikTok! Here I am at arrivals at Auckland International Airport, waiting for a Chinese millionaire investor who wants to buy property in New Zealand now that we’ve relaxed the ban on foreign ownership. Let’s hope he recognises me! But if not, I have a little sign that reads MR LEE.
This could be him now.
No, not him, he’s walked right past.
Here’s another Chinese man. Might be him.
No, he’s gone too.
Well, I’ve got all day, and this is an important trade mission. Scrapping the ban has the potential to raise house prices out of the reach of ordinary Kiwis. And that’s a good thing because ordinary Kiwis are holding us back.
TUESDAY
Hi, everyone! Don’t be frightened of the Asiatic gentleman who is with me on today’s TikTok. He’s not a Triad! He’s the foreign investor I was telling you about yesterday. He didn’t recognise me at the airport and it turns out his name is spelled Mr Li.
We caught up this morning and I’ve been showing him around some really beautiful homes for sale. He wants to buy with the aim of renting them out for astronomical sums, and that’s got to be good for the economy and to get New Zealand moving.
Here we are at a lovely house in Remuera. Look at the stunning views of the Ōrākei lagoon! It’s been on the market for a while now but no-one has snapped it up. I think Mr Li is ready to pounce!
It’s important to give vendors a bit of space, so I’ll leave him alone for a bit while I make an exciting announcement that Amazon signed a deal with New Zealand four years ago.
WEDNESDAY
Hey guys! Yes, that’s right, they are the Southern Alps behind me in the TikTok. I’ve taken Mr Li on a trip to the South Island to show him our beautiful scenery, and make him feel better about buying a slice of paradise. I wonder if he knows Taylor Swift? He could put in a good word for us and help sway Taylor and Travis to decide on coming to New Zealand for their honeymoon. It’s all about connections.
He wants to snap up some home appliances for the folks back home, so we’ve come to leading retail brand Smiths City here in Christchurch.
That’s strange though because the doors are locked and some of the windows are boarded up.
THURSDAY
Hi everyone! Well, here’s me and New Zealand’s number one fan Mr Li at the opening of Ikea in Auckland. Ikea, TikTok — it’s interesting, isn’t it, the way words are assembled around the letter ‘‘k’’. I have been telling Mr Li about it and he listens so intently that he closes his eyes and lies down.
I thought Nicola Willis night be here and I was expecting Erica Stanford and Chris Bishop as well but I haven’t seen much of them lately. They often seem caught up in late-night meetings where they talk in whispers.
FRIDAY
Guess what, TikTok fans? I’m putting on my dancing shoes. The rock star economy is back for an encore!
It looks like Mr Li wants to buy the house in Remuera.
But he is insisting on meeting the seller, and asking him about his experiences of living in such a beautiful home. Sounds reasonable to me! I have made a few calls and set up a meeting. It will be a great photo opportunity to seal the deal with a three-way handshake!
Here he comes now. Little chap. ‘‘Philip,’’ he says. ‘‘Philip Polkinghorne.’’
