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My half-hearted attempts to influence the fashion choices of the men in my life have been unsuccessful to date.
To give them their due, they have not been inclined to be critical of my dress, even on those occasions when I might have welcomed their input.
Other women's enthusiasm for control over their partners' apparel choices always baffled me, since they would hate being told what to wear.
I had some sympathy, however, for a family member whose husband could not recognise his own garments, and once returned home with some of our motley offerings after a family holiday, thinking they were his.
My husband had his own quirks, including attachment to a pair of boyhood moccasins held together with bits of string, about 15 pairs of trousers designated for gardening (which was never done) including a favourite bottle-green Crimplene pair, and a dislike of short-sleeved shirts although he always rolled up his long-sleeved ones.
He possessed long nylon socks for wearing with walk shorts, although if he ever wore that combo during our marriage my mind has thankfully blanked it out.
With my children, I learned early on that hosiery was going to be a problem.
Wearing matching socks was soon unheard of, with one of their teachers thinking the little darlings were making a fashion statement. If only.
Adulthood did not make a difference. At one point I knitted three bright orange socks for one of them so if he lost one he would have a spare. Years later, the spare still gazes giddily and optimistically at me from the bottom of the clean washing basket, but the whereabouts of the others is unknown.
My good intentions about not issuing men with spurious advice on what to wear have been sorely tested recently with news of mantyhose being the next big thing for modern man.
For years I have been critical of women copying the stupid things some men do.
Now it seems some men are hellbent on copying women's foolish behaviour and are muscling in on the wearing of pantyhose.
Selfridges in London has apparently brought out a range of tights for the chaps which cost 70 quid. In the interests of research I have seen pics of men wearing mantyhose of various hues, including camouflage, under shorts. Be assured, good men and true and fools with money, pantyhose under shorts, whatever colour they are, look ridiculous.
There is also a website where, if you are brave enough, you can view a man giving a step-by-step account of putting on pantyhose.
It tells us that putting them on without destroying them is not rocket science - be careful, trim your nails or just "wash your hands in warm water if lazy", it says.
Confused? I know I was, but a woman colleague said that last piece of advice might have been to ensure his nails were soft.
News reports say some men have taken to wearing the garments under their suits to keep their legs warm and give their hips and thighs a nice smooth line.
Does this mean more disappointment for women when a beer gut and wobbly thighs fall out as the previously be-suited smooth-talker rolls down the mantyhose before a bit of nooky?
What will be next, bras to bind the man-boobs so he has a smooth line under a T-shirt?
I know men are supposed to be from Mars and women from Venus, but what planet is anyone on who wants to wear pantyhose?
While I am a fan of footless tights, any tights with feet attached are just a nuisance.
No matter what size they are, once I have poured myself into pantyhose, the crotch only stays in its rightful place for about the first half-hour of wear.
Then, in common with all the rest of the bits of my body, gravity ensures it becomes increasingly closer to the ground.
This reduces my gait to that of a toddler with a full nappy usually accompanied by an attractive array of wrinkles on various parts of the legs.
A more imaginative soul might see this as an almost-still-life art form or kinetic sculpture depicting life itself from nappies to wrinkles, but to me it is just plain uncomfortable.
Perhaps the only way to stop men taking these faltering nylon-clad steps is for women to encourage them in the other direction.
His Christmas stocking this year should include the most garish mantyhose she can find.
She can cry and appear hurt when he refuses to wear them in public, forcing him, for the sake of peace, to say he'll wear them in the garden.
She will have to be prepared for the garden to remain untended for years. Hiring a hunky gardener will be a small price to pay to keep high fashion at bay.
• Elspeth McLean is a Dunedin writer.