Queenstown's Dux de Lux bar holds its seasonal Air Guitar Idol competition next Thursday. Shane Gilchrist suggests some strategies sans Stratocaster . . .
So you want to be a rock 'n' roll star?
Well listen now, hear what I say
Just get an electric guitar
Take some time
And learn how to play
So sings Roger McGuinn, of the Byrds. Not bad advice, really.
But what do you do if you can't play guitar? Well, fake it (till you make it).
On Thursday, Queenstown's Dux de Lux bar holds its seasonal Air Guitar Idol, a competition that requires a stack of attitude rather than any amplified axe.
Though wielding the real thing beats waving one's hands in the air, a few lessons on the former discipline may just help those string-less wannabes.
Lesson one:
To quote guitar legend Frank Zappa, "If ever there's an obscene noise to be made on an instrument, it's going to come out of a guitar . . . the disgusting stink of a too-loud guitar: now that's my idea of a good time."
Therefore, budding air guitarists should choose songs that rip forth from the venue's speakers.
Forget any acoustic ripples, regardless of their technical intricacies - Nick Drake renditions will not win you a prize.
Remember loud equals loose; thus the crowd and judges will not notice that you've just attempted to mimic an extended, high-tempo, 16th-note solo using just your pinky.
Lesson two:
Go for the obvious.
Jimi Hendrix must rank top of the list.
Throw on any one of his tracks (Voodoo Child, Purple Haze or, for compositional virtuosity, his rendition of Bob Dylan's All Along The Watchtower) and incorporate behind-the-back (and head) manoeuvres.
Pretend to set the guitar on fire, or play it with your teeth.
Hey, what damage can you do when there are no steel strings with which to floss?
Lesson three:
Pick your player.
The aforementioned Mr Hendrix aside, other key contenders include The Rolling Stones' Keith Richards (it's all in the timing), The Who's Pete Towns-hend (windmill power chords), Chuck Berry (marrying the blues with rock 'n' roll), and the recently departed Bo Diddley (signature rhythm: bomp ba-bomp bomp, bomp bomp).
Lesson four:
Details, details, details.
Real guitarists often use their feet as much as their fingers, so pretend to stumble over a stomp box.
Shuffle to the beat or perch one leg atop a sound monitor (a chair will suffice) and gyrate wildly.
And don't forget to move your mouth in time with the imaginary wah-wah pedal you're controlling.
Lesson five:
Up the ante.
Remember those double-necked guitars of the 1970s? Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page played one on occasion when performing Stairway To Heaven.
What are you waiting for? Go, you octopus.
