THE ACCEPTABLE ONES
1. All Blacks (rugby)
The first and the best. Our No 1 team has the No 1 nickname, acquired simply because of the colour of the uniform. Not known as the AIG Blacks yet, thank goodness.
2. All Whites (football)
A nice companion to the All Blacks. Only gained currency during the magic qualifying run for the 1982 World Cup but seems to have been around forever. Sounds a little weird when they play in their black away strip.
3. Kiwis (rugby league)
Formally adopted in 1938. Interestingly, the "northern code" was keen to piggy-back on the All Black name. But rugby union fishheads were aghast, and no doubt relieved when the use of a kiwi on the league team's crest gave birth to a nickname. The only problem with the name is its pronunciation by Australian commentators: Koywoys.
4. Tall Blacks (basketball)
Nothing wrong with a bit of a laugh. Rhymes with All Blacks, and it is New Zealand's tallest sporting team.
5. Silver Ferns (netball)
Another good ‘un. The mighty fern has been associated with our sports teams for donkey's years and our top women's sport is proud to carry the name. Also, if you are aged between 25 and 35, and have spent time overseas, there is a 90% chance you got a silver fern tattoo.
6. Black Caps (cricket)
Oooh, a little bit of controversy here. This all came about 10-12 years ago when they decided our national cricket team needed a name. "Young Guns" had become popular thanks to a marketing campaign but the team was often neither young nor full of guns. Caps being a major part of cricket's folklore, the name "Black Caps" was coined. Some hated it, feeling a team in a sport as traditional as cricket - you know, one that hadn't sold its soul to twenty20 circuses - did not require a nickname thank you very much, Dennis, now go pour me another gin. But I like it.
7. Black Jacks (bowls)
Brilliant. An ode to both the card game (lawn bowlers love a punt) and the use of the "jack" - the little target bowl.
8. Black Sox (men's softball)
Both wholly appropriate and unbelievably inappropriate. "Sox" is a famous baseball name courtesy of the Boston Red Sox and the Chicago White Sox. Comes from the "stockings" part of the uniform. That's fine, but ask an American about the Black Sox, and they will raise their eyebrows. That was the name given to the disgraced Chicago White Sox players who deliberately lost the World Series in 1919. Say it ain't so, Joe -that one. sought permission from the Chicago White Sox to use the name.
9. Wheel Blacks (wheelchair rugby)
Good name for the "murderball" lads.
THE BORING ONES
Black Sticks (women's hockey)
A thoroughly adequate nickname, I guess. Nothing more, nothing less. But . . .Black Sticks (men's hockey) Oh dear. They decided the men's hockey team also needed a nickname. So they went away and did some thinking and they decided to call them the Black Sticks, too. Save us.
Black Ferns (women's rugby)
The first of MANY teams to copy the Silver Ferns.
White Ferns (women's cricket)
Yawn.
Kiwi Ferns (women's rugby league)
No. Just, no.
Tall Ferns (women's basketball)
Zzzzzzz.
Football Ferns (women's football)
Make it stop. Just make it stop!
Ice Blacks (men's ice hockey)
Nothing particularly wrong with it but there is no originality here.
Ice Fernz (women's ice hockey)
Yes, with a Z instead of an S at the end. Sigh.
Black Fins (surf life-saving)
Has always confused me. Most surf life-savers seem to be wearing a thong and very little else. Where are their fins?
THE ONE THAT IS UNOFFICIAL BUT IS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT
Black Cocks (badminton)
No explanation required.
THE ONES YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW
Diamondblacks (baseball)
Very clever. A play on the nickname for a Major League Baseball team, the Arizona Diamondbacks.
Iron Blacks (American football)
They play on the gridiron, geddit?
Hawks (Australian rules football)
Bravo! A New Zealand sports team, albeit an obscure one, chooses an original name, and one that actually has some relevance. The Hawthorn Hawks are one of the great AFL clubs.
Dodge Blacks (dodgeball)
Not a sport.
Black Stacks (sport stacking)
I'd say it wasn't a sport but I'd get in trouble with a young bloke in Dunedin who has travelled the world thanks to his ability to stack and unstack a bunch of cups. Have a look on You Tube.
THE ONES FOR THE FUTURE?
I admit defeat. The chances of any New Zealand sports team actually adopting a fresh and original nickname are slim, so let's just go ahead and invent some more names out of the playbook.
Oar Blacks (rowing)
Defies belief our remarkably successful rowers do not have a nickname. And this one is not bad, given it sounds abit like "All Blacks".
Pedal Blacks (cycling)
Or the Black Spokes?
Black Singlets (athletics)
Lovelock, Snell, Willis - all members of the Black Singlet Hall of Fame.
Black Saddles (equestrian)
Or the Black Bridles?
Brawl Blacks (boxing)
You just laughed, didn't you?
Fall Blacks (skydiving)
This one came from my colleague, Sean Flaherty.
Powder Blacks (shooting)
Boom.
Black Holes (golf)
This just gets better and better.
Black Strokes (swimming)
Another winner. Backstroke, Black Strokes - see what I did there?
Lycra Blacks (triathlon)
Or possibly just the Tri Blacks?
Cold Blacks (Winter Olympics)
The name says it all.
Devoy Blacks (squash)
Something a little different.
Pawn Blacks (chess)
Not to be confused with the . . . no, we'll stop it there.
Broom Broom Blacks (motorsport)
Or the Vroom Vroom Blacks, I can't quite decide.
Black Snatches (weightlifting)
Well, Black Clean And Jerks doesn't quite work.
Black Arrows (archery), Black Spikes (volleyball), Black Waves (surfing), Black Blades (shearing). We could go on forever. Maybe I should trademark all these names.
