Australia is big. Really big. And it has quite a few gum trees. While there visiting family, Peter Dowden rode the tracks from Brisbane to Melbourne.
The trip from Brisbane leaves at an ungodly 5.55am, requiring the co-operation of our host to wake us up and drop us off in time. The train conductor kindly turned all the lights off after getting everyone seated, so we were able to snooze until breakfast was served about 7.
The sky brightened as I crunched my breakfast, something called "posh toastie (ham and cheese)''.
A couple of hours later we stopped at Kyogle, just over the border into New South Wales. I stepped out on to the platform to stretch my legs.
"What are you doing?'' the conductor demanded.
"Um, just taking a photo.''
"Don't get out like that again.''
I didn't get out like that again.
I had assumed Aussie trains were fast. Our bullet-shaped train looked fast when it was standing still, but actually managed to feel slower when it was moving. This coastal line dates back to pick and shovel days, and avoids obstacles by going around them, even corkscrewing around itself at times. Rather like a New Zealand railway line. It doesn't matter how fast the train can go, because it can't. But that's OK, because we are not in a hurry.
Northern New South Wales provides a pleasing repeating rhythm of big valley, big river, small country town, repeat ad lib, mimicked by the regular bumps in the rails and creaks of the train wheels around bends.
We see rusty windpumps, water towers with the town's name on them, sleepy streets of weatherboard houses and exquisite brick railway station buildings that seem to be copied straight out of "Thomas'' books.
There isn't much to do on the train except eat. The spaghetti Bolognaise was pretty good. My companion had the Asian chicken and rice. We liked our dishes so much we had the same ones on all the other legs. (The other options were roast turkey with vegetables and vegetarian curry. We enjoyed reciting the menu, discreetly mimicking the conductor's Ocker vowels, on subsequent days.)
We draw in to Wagga Wagga, a town with which most locals are on a first-name basis. The railway yard has been allowed to grow into lawn, with topiary shrubs among the turf and rusted rail. There is a crude model of the Sydney bridge to entertain passengers during the stop.
A big bloke in a league jersey steps aboard. He turns to the elderly lady in the first row.
"You're in my seat, love. Do you want a hand moving your ****?''
I have never heard that word used with such a lack of malice, and certainly not to refer to a suitcase.
She understood, and gratefully accepted. Heads dodged out of the way as he heaved the aforementioned article on to his broad shoulder and escorted her to the correct seat.
The next stop was Albury, on the NSW-Victoria border. Victorians are very proud of their independence from Sydney, and many Victorian towns have a "Separation St'' marking the event. To make it harder to recombine the states, they made sure the trains wouldn't fit on each other's tracks, by making the rails differing distances apart. The Albury platform is where the trains used to meet end-on so that passengers could walk up the platform to change trains.
I stepped out to check it out.
"Is it really the longest platform in the world?'' I asked the conductor.
"Yeah mate.''
I took a quick photo.
"Well ... covered,'' he qualified. "Longest covered platform.''
Slightly disappointed, I turned back towards the train. But the platform was very pretty, with its colonnades disappearing into a vanishing point, like a third-form tech-drawing project. They should consider holding a fashion parade here.
"In the southern hemisphere,'' he added.
I may or may not have scowled slightly at this point, I can't recall. But I comforted myself with the thought that had we flown, we would only have seen a bit of congested motorway, a Coles, a Hungry Jacks and an airport.
More recently the Victorians have grudgingly narrowed their tracks to admit the inferior-gauged northern trains, which was lucky for us. But speeding towards Australia's cultural and gastronomic capital is the best strategy: there is nothing much to see in rural Victoria - it's like Mid Canterbury without the interesting bits.
The train really took off on Victoria's flat, straight track; we were easily overhauling the cars on the adjacent freeway and we hardly slowed until right inside Melbourne's glitzy Southern Cross station.
If I did it again
The refrain of tourists everywhere is ‘‘if only we had a bit more time.’’ In our case, some of these legs were a trifle long. The Aussie experience we missed out on was to stay in a large country town and meet the locals. Overnight stays at halfway points such as Wagga Wagga, Albury or Dungog would have allowed afternoon arrivals and morning departures, which I think we would have enjoyed.
The Brisbane-Sydney express is not the ideal way to enjoy the approaches to Sydney, because arriving after dark all you see is the carriage interior reflected in the windows. This part of the route hugs the Pacific coast through endless tiny bays and headlands for about two hours. Had we broken our journey north of here, we could have travelled this last, most scenic section by day, and we would have enjoyed the view even better from the top of a local double-decker train.
If you go
The New South Wales Discovery Pass has the special advantage of including travel to the three adjacent states and territories where NSW train tracks extend. It allows travel from Brisbane to Melbourne as well as Canberra.
It costs about NZ$250 for a fortnight and $300 for a month (they assume you won't travel every day so the longer period is cheaper per day). You also get free suburban train rides within Sydney on the days you are travelling long-distance.
Helpful hint: On NSW trains, ''first class'' as far as I could tell, provides identical seating accommodation to economy, so is not worth any extra payment.
Similar deals are available in other Australian states, but their rail networks stay within borders.
Long interstate journeys like the fabled Ghan or Indian Pacific have morphed into a different category altogether of cruise-ship-on-rails luxury, and the budget traveller on these routes goes by air.
Best deal in town - Canberra
Tidbinbilla Nature Reserve, a wildlife sanctuary where you can get close to all the Aussie favourites (except crocodiles, which you wouldn’t want to get close to).
Even better, because it’s free: the National Aboretum. It’s a new public garden of (as yet young) specimen trees, with a terrific natural grass amphitheatre mainly used by young kids to induce dizziness by rolling downhill.
Best deal in town - Brisbane
The City Cat, a ferry ride along the Brisbane River for the price of a bus fare.
Even better, because it's free: Brisbane's South Bank, a promenade through public gardens, cafes and the Grand Arbour, a kilometre-long canopy of of bougainvillea vines providing welcome shade and dappled views of the city.
Here you can watch fellow tourists taking selfies and follow the antics of ``bin chickens'', the graceful ibis birds that have filled the ecological niche of scavenging rodents.
Ride a double-decker train (upstairs, of course) across the bridge to the first station (Milsons Point) then catch a ferry back under the bridge, all for the price of a bus fare.
Even better, because it’s free: Walk around Circular Quay and take selfies at the Opera House. A row of metal dots on the pavement marks the original coastline from later reclamation, so the visitor can avoid walking on stolen land.
Sydney’s electric double-decker trains are a great way to see the Blue Mountains. The little tourist town of Katoomba sits on a sort of razorback ridge up which the main railway to Perth climbs from Sydney. A short local bus trip to the Three Sisters lookout reveals a stunning view of the Aussie escarpment, a rare ‘‘roof of the world’’ experience on the flattest continent.
The trip to Canberra winds through another section of the Blue Mountains; trains to Melbourne also go this way. There is a change at Goulburn where you can swap between the two.
Best deal in town - Melbourne
Hop on a tram and glide through the streets in truly civilised grace.
Even better because it's free: hop on the classic wooden City Circle tram and travel in less-comfortable period style.
