Welcome back. Did you miss me?
It is now a semi-tradition that The Last Word, the non-award-winning column featuring a bit of this and equal bits of that, goes into hiatus between February and June as its author devotes large periods of time to covering a certain rugby team.
But their season is done — was, in fact, done some time ago — and there are some spare hours in the week to compile this nonsense again.
Here then are ... counts on fingers ... 47 things that happened or that occupied my mind since you last saw this column.
. . . and thoughts . . .
2. The Highlanders are NOT Super Rugby champions. But you kind of knew that was coming. They were good in patches, decent in patches — but ninth is nothing to write home about. It’s going to get harder, too, now that Moana Pasifika have collapsed. I expect 2027 to be better, if young guns Fabian Holland and Dylan Pledger are healthy, Josh Jacomb has the expected impact, and Shannon Frizell is his old self. Otherwise even the revered Jamie Joseph will come under some serious scrutiny.
3. A quick word for Ethan de Groot. The Highlanders prop was magnificent all season.
4. One New Zealand Stadium is open for business in Christchurch, sigh. Sold-out Super Round, sold-out Warriors game, and about to have a sold-out All Blacks test. We had it good for 15 years.
5. Respect must be given to the Hurricanes. They were the best team all year and they absolutely cut a swathe through the Super Rugby playoffs, winning 66-12 and 57-21 before utterly humiliating the Chiefs, 60-5, in the final. Dominance is good for the dominant team but it was really an awful result for a competition under the delusion that it has any sort of parity.
6. No Highlander made the Super Rugby Legends XV. Not a huge surprise — just one title, and all that — but perhaps Aaron Smith might have challenged George Gregan, and Jeff Wilson might have gone close to Doug Howlett.
7. Unbelievably, three Highlanders made the Super Rugby team of the year. Alongside one Hurricane. No disrespect to our lads but perhaps the voting system needs a tweak.
8. We have a new All Blacks coach. (Yes, it has been that long since the last column.) Dave Rennie has the credentials — now we see if he can get the national team firing again.
9. Was that a slightly underwhelming squad announcement? No real shocks, no real bolters. But I suppose the bigger question is whether Rennie and company can get more out of a bunch of players who flattered to impress under Razor.
10. My highlight of the rugby year has actually been watching Taieri College. Both their First XV, who have had a whale of a season, and their Second XV, known as the “Mud Dogs”. No poaching, no recruiting, no strutting around with delusions of becoming All Blacks, no need for academies or eight training sessions a week. Just schoolboy rugby in its purest form, and it’s great.
11. In contrast, I am still disappointed in the schools who joined the breakaway South Island competition. Not sure what they hoped to achieve, not convinced in the point of it.
12. Dunedin club rugby, meanwhile, sheesh. It is bad enough that it continues to have this bizarre format in which some teams play 12 games and some 13, and a slightly surreal pro-rata bonus point system makes up the difference. Is that unprecedented in New Zealand sport? Now we get the brouhaha over Alhambra-Union losing the points for their first win due to a reserve prop not being registered, and having those points reinstated when it dawned on the alickadoos that player registration was a minefield.
13. The all-conquering English women’s rugby team kicked their first penalty goal in 1289 days. They had scored 305 tries in the meantime. A statement on both the Red Roses’ dominance and the less cautious approach in the women’s game.
14. Northerners still like to poke the borax at Super Rugby for being too loose. But did you see the score of Northampton v Bristol in the English competition? A mere 94-33. Whoosh.
15. After all that time, after all that recruitment, after all that intrigue, New Zealand Rugby appointed its high-flying chief executive ... and it was Steve Lancaster, who already worked there and was covering the role on an interim basis. Hmm.
... that have been ...
16. Liverpool did not defend their Premier League title! And Arne Slot got sacked! Ouch. It all just went terribly wrong for the greatest club in the world.
17. Congratulations are grudgingly extended to set-piece merchants Arsenal for winning their first title in 22 years.
18. Leicester City got relegated AGAIN. The club that pulled off the biggest miracle in sports history, winning the Premier League in 2016, will play in third-tier League One next season. Incredible fall from grace.
20. Messi’s still got it. England are not great. Mexico and the Yanks could go further. Brazil and the Netherlands might have been under-rated. Still picking Spain, or maybe France.
21. The Wellington Phoenix reached the A-League final. Say what you like about Bev Priestman — the drone cheat — but she sure can coach.
22. Auckland FC stormed to glory in the men’s final. Amazing effort in just their second season. And a former Mosgiel junior scored the winner.
23. The second-most fascinating football story of the season was Southampton getting booted from the Championship playoffs for spying on other teams. Not with drones, though.
24. The most fascinating football story of the season was the battle for the Scottish title. You know, the one that is always won by Rangers and Celtic. Hearts spent 226 days on top of league, Celtic one day. And Celtic claimed the title. Boo.
25. The great James Milner hung up his boots after 24 years and 658 games in the top flight in England.
26. Nathan Smith, the pride of Waitaki Boys’, got on the honours board at Lord’s. And Black Caps bowling mate Matt Henry just rose to No 1 in the world.
27. King Kane abdicated his throne. Still a bit shocked Kane Williamson pulled the pin halfway through a series. But his legacy as our greatest batter is secure.
28. Here’s a great stat, courtesy (of course) of a bloke on X called Sooraj. The first five Black Caps batters to be dismissed in the first innings in the test against Ireland fell for perfect-square scores: Latham for 0, Conway for 4, Williamson for 36, Ravindra for 121, Mitchell for 1. First time in history that has happened to any team.
29. To absolutely nobody’s surprise, the proposed new T20 circus in New Zealand has been delayed a year. Still extremely sceptical why it needs to happen.
... on my mind
30. The Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews appointed Claire Dowling as the first woman captain in its 272-year history. Major glass ceiling smashed.
31. Kimi Antonelli became the hottest ticket in Formula 1. But an equally cool story was Lewis Hamilton winning for Ferrari at 41.
32. Indiana University quarterback Fernando Mendoza went No 1 in the NFL draft. As always, I picked out the best names in the draft: Mansoor Delane, Sonny Styles, KC Concepcion, Cashius Howell, Germie Bernard, Gennings Dunker, Wade Woodaz, Ephesians Prysock, George Gumbs jun, Hezekiah Masses and Dametrious Crownover.
33. BYU small forward AJ Dybantsa went No 1 in the NBA draft. As always, I picked out the best names in the draft: Cameron Boozer, Bennett Stirtz, Jayden Quaintance, Koa Peat and Baba Miller.
34. Among the books I read were Transformer (by Neil Atkinson), about the immortal Juergen Klopp, and Terry Fox: His Story (by Leslie Scrivener), the tale of the great Canadian runner and cancer advocate. Both highly recommended.
35. The Last Word enjoyed some time in Brisbane. The city is already talking about the 2032 Olympics. And it was the NRL’s Super Round. Warriors jerseys EVERYWHERE.
37. The Waitaki Events Centre opened. Looking forward to seeing it.
38. Aaron Rai became the first English-born winner of the PGA Championship in 107 years.
39. Kenyan runner Sabastian Sawe won the London marathon in a world record time of 1hr 59min 30sec. And maybe there are no sporting barriers left to break.
40. Charlisse Leger-Walker became the first New Zealander drafted into the WNBA, and has made a promising start to her first season with the Connecticut Sun.
41. The NFL Players Association cut a deal with a company called JAMS to supply their exclusive peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Only in America.
42. The weirdest New Zealand sports story — potentially of all time — was a bunch of old Auckland Grammar rowers asking for a 1988 Maadi Cup result to be overturned because the winning school used fancy oars.
43. Indian cricket sensation Vaibhav Sooryavanshi broke Chris Gayle’s record for sixes in an IPL season, smashing 72, and just whacked the fastest half-century (11 balls) in List A cricket. He is 15. Be afraid.
44. Pole vault king Mondo Duplantis got beaten for the first time in 40 events.
46. The Commonwealth Games begin in 26 days. Half the sports, and perhaps dwindling interest. Is the clock ticking?
47. “You really are a pathetic excuse for a reporter.” Best bit of feedback I received all year.
