It's time to give out some alternative awards as 2013 comes to a close. You won't find these prizes anywhere else (to be honest, you won't find these prizes anywhere - they're all a figment of racing/sports reporter Matt Smith's imagination and cannot be redeemed for cash).
No correspondence will be entered into as there was no correspondence with anyone else in the first place.
The gold-plated violin for playing on with the Titanic orchestra while the ship sank
If Ricki Herbert had his way, there's a good chance he would still be desperately clawing on to the barnacles on the underside of the All Whites' World Cup campaign. To paraphrase that American woman on the Vogel's bread ad: ''Let it go, Ricki.''
The State The Obvious insurance premium discount
Here's a tip, Justin Marshall: when you're sitting in the commentary box and you're about to make a statement or a comment about a rugby match, just make it. Don't tell us you're about to ''make a comment here'' - that's kind of your job. Y'know, as comments man?
The R. Kelly framed LP for believing he could fly
Trent Boult's catch to dismiss Denesh Ramdin at the Basin earlier this month was one of the most spectacular in recent memory. Put that in the list of super Kiwi snaffles alongside Shane Bond's caught and bowled against Australia, Kane Williamson's diving effort in Sri Lanka in Sri Lanka last year, Skippy Sinclair launching himself in the outfield in Melbourne, and that bloke who caught a ball in the stands at a HRV Cup game in Wellington a few weeks back.
Oh, and Paul Vautin's catch in the Allan Border testimonial match 21 years ago, but he's a Queenslander.
The Once Were Warriors limited edition DVD for staunchness
Steven Adams - once was a Saint (Wellington) and he's no drama queen either. He took a Vince Carter elbow to the face just a few games into his NBA career but there was no flopping from our Steven. He brushed it off like Carter was Mike Catt trying to tackle Jonah Lomu. Adams also gets the John Key awkward handshake bronze mould for shaking his own hand when Clippers centre/power forward Byron Mullen snubbed him after a game.
The packet of No-Doz tablets for most riveting competition
A runaway winner here - the Louis Vuitton Cup aka the America's Cup Challenger Series. I couldn't help but think of Billy Idol's Dancing With Myself as Team New Zealand and Luna Rossa both took turns racing solo while Artemis were still trying to get their boat back on the water.
The finals series of the challenger series was not much better as Team New Zealand strolled away with the series 7-1. Sure, the America's Cup final between ETNZ (sounds like a Kiwi version of a Steven Spielberg film) and Oracle had us on the tip of our foils, but the word ''farce'' was bandied around the ODT office quite often during the prelude.
The complimentary box of Scorched Almonds for summing things up in a nutshell
A photo appeared on social media in March featuring James O'Connor, Quade Cooper, Digby Ioane, Kurtley Beale and AFL star Lance Franklin in a variety of skimpy swimming costumes posing like . . . well, self-obsessed sportsmen.
What a surprise it was to see O'Connor and Ioane disappearing from Australian rugby by the end of the year, while Beale was battling alcohol issues which was unfortunate. Quade Cooper shocked us all though, by getting his act together and working his way back in to the Wallabies by the end of the year.
The Gillette Fusion beginner's pack for worst collection of facial hair
Someone needs to get a memo to the Australian cricket team - and quick. Lads, if I may call you lads (''maaaaate'' would probably be more appropriate), Movember finished at the end of November. Speaking from the position of a well-groomed metrosexual (except on my days off), the moustaches do nothing.
I didn't think David Warner could be more irritable when you take his extravagant century celebrations, his bar-room brawling and his loud mouth into account, but the lip caterpillar takes him from the ''mild mozzie bite on your leg'' level of irritability to the ''just walked through a giant bush of poison ivy'' point of agony. As for Mitchell Johnson, he's bowling pretty well, but the moustache does not automatically make him Dennis Lillee.
