You are not permitted to download, save or email this image. Visit image gallery to purchase the image.
WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT: Josh remembers yelling over and over for her to stop. But she didn't. He has to deal with people asking 'how a 6 foot 3 guy could be raped' or 'why I didn't like it'.
"Let's take the gender out of it. Trauma is trauma," he said.
- NZ's sexual trauma story: 'We have failed to protect our children'
- Gang raped in the army showers: 'I know I'll never see justice
- 'We're stuck with their sh*t'
- ‘I don’t know what love is’: Sexually abused at 3, then again in state care
- Boarding school brutality: ‘They used a broom handle on me’
- The secret locals knew: ‘Do you want to bring some friends along?’
- A life lived in fear: Drug addict at age 6, alcoholic at 7
- ‘Hold on to what they are, not what the abuse makes them’
- Violated by a priest who went on to commit a 'litany of offending'
- A 50 year secret: 'He ripped all my innocence away'
Josh spoke to CTV as part of its Challenge the Silence series. One in six boys will be sexually abused before they are 18. In this video series, 10 men have told their stories. All grew up believing they were the only ones it had happened to. Now they want other victims to know they are not alone and, if they are ready, help is there for them.
He said for a number of years he did not remember what had happened and "deliberately pushed it all down".
"And it hit me when I was actually at a festival with a whole bunch of people.
"I woke up and I was feeling really vulnerable."
He had not felt that way in a long time and when he asked himself: "When had I felt like this before?" it all came back.
"That was a confusing time for me and it took about three months to work out what even happened to me."
Josh said he was raped by someone he knew.
He doesn't remember much about the rape, except that he yelled "not like this" several times.
"I don't remember what happened after that.
"That moment's still hard for me to deal with obviously."
After remembering the rape, Josh suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
The "constant" anxiety wore him down, and the PTSD also affected his relationships and confidence.
"You feel like you are the only one.
"You really do."
After trying to deal with what had happened himself he eventually sought help.
"If I wanted to get better I had no choice."
Getting that help and talking to other men who had suffered from sexual abuse had helped.
He believed the extent of the problem was not known because men did not talk.
"It's a hidden thing."
Need to talk? 1737, free 24/7 phone and text number
Healthline: 0800 611-116
Lifeline Aotearoa: 0800 543-354
Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828-865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
Samaritans: 0800 726-666
Alcohol Drug Helpline: 0800 787-797
General mental health inquiries: 0800 443-366
The Depression Helpline: 0800 111-757
Youthline: 0800 376-633, txt 234 or firstname.lastname@example.org
What’s Up (for 5-18 year olds; 1pm-11pm): 0800 942-8787
Tone Miller, Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse Dunedin/Invercargill: 0211987878.