Feeling the fear

In most cases the basis for people's inability to commit is motivated by a fear that in accepting one invitation they are closing off the chance to accept other invitations. Photo: Getty Images

Falling prey to the fear of missing out, risks precisely what we aim to avoid, life coach Jan Aitken says.

We humans are social creatures by and large. Centuries ago our daily survival depended on being part of a tribe. We needed this for safety and to help with hunting. Besides the tribe providing for our physical needs, it helped us to socialise and fulfilled our emotional needs as well.

You could say not much has changed in terms of emotional needs. Most of us still need and enjoy social contact to varying degrees. So calling friends and inviting them to dinner or a movie or to take part in an activity is something we look forward to.

But who has experienced the noncommittal reply "oh, I'll let you know closer to the time'' or "um, not sure at the moment, I'll get back to you''? Or, are you the person giving the noncommittal reply?

So why are people hesitant to respond with a resounding "yes, I'll be there'' on receiving an invitation? It seems people are afraid of missing out on a "better offer'' or experience. Something known as FOMO, fear of missing out.

FOMO seems to be an increasingly common condition these days. In most cases the basis for people's inability to commit is motivated by a fear that in accepting one invitation they are closing off the chance to accept other invitations. The other invitations that may come along could result in greater personal gratification, satisfaction or be more prestigious. It's not uncommon to hear someone with FOMO say, "I like to keep my options open.''

Sound familiar?

For the sufferer, fear of missing out frequently provokes feelings of anxiety and promotes thinking that others are experiencing more pleasure, success, prestige or fulfilment in their lives than they are. Combined, that anxiety and thinking create restlessness, stress and even more anxiety! Ultimately, getting stuck in a FOMO behaviour pattern is likely to diminish the overall quality of life rather than enhance it.

Firstly, chronic anxiety and stress are known to have harmful effects on both body and mind. Secondly, rather than just missing out on the "all important'' invitation FOMOers are likely to miss lots of events, fun and social connection as they wait to see what comes up that's better.

They may find that eventually they stop being invited because their FOMO behaviour has really irked their friends. After all, no-one enjoys feeling second best, which is what FOMO behaviour is implying: "oh, I can't say yes to you because someone or something more important/enjoyable may come along''. Charming!

Access to social media and the ability to constantly check our devices for text messages, voice-mails and emails creates an obsessive preoccupation with what's going on and what our friends are up to. Are they doing something that's more hip or fun? Are they getting a better leg up in the world? Unfortunately, that ability to constantly keep up with what's going on doesn't quell the anxiety or reorder the FOMO thinking, it amplifies it. A little like pouring petrol on fire to put it out!

FOMO risks the sufferer becoming even more isolated and disconnected from people as the relentless preoccupation with what's going on and what might be waiting for us makes it impossible to be fully present and deeply engaged in our relationships and our life in general. FOMOers tend to just skate along the surface of life as they chase the elusive "better invitation''. True fulfilment requires both presence and engagement.

SO WHAT'S THE ANTIDOTE?

• If you're on the end of constant noncommittal replies from a friend, it may be you need to have a gentle, nonjudgemental chat with them. Inform them of how you feel when it seems as if you're second best and explain how difficult it can be to plan something or book a table etc when you don't know if someone is going to turn up. Last-minute adjustments aren't always possible.

• You may even have to say no if they want to turn up at the last minute because nothing better has come along.

• Lastly, you might even decide to stop inviting them. If you choose to do this it's better if you have a conversation about why you've taken that approach.

IF YOU'RE A NON-COMMITTAL REPLIER

Here are a few things to think about:

Photo: Getty Images

• What are your values? What are the things in life that are truly important to you? Who are the people that you can be yourself around? Who are the people that like you and respect you for who you are right now, not for how wealthy or influential you might become?

• Choose quality over quantity. More isn't necessarily better. Choosing to do fewer things with people who are truly important to you rather than do many things that seem desirable will give you a deeper quality of life and experiences that are ultimately more rewarding.

• Be willing to not have it all. Needs are limited. Desires are endless. Decide what your highest priorities are and focus on them. The word decide comes from the Latin decidere, which means "to cut off''. Deciding what to prioritise requires us to cut off other options. That makes it possible to give our attention to those things that are meaningful to us.

• Slow down, do one thing at a time. Be mindful about what you are doing. Focus fully on one thing at a time. Psychiatrist Edward Hallowell describes multitasking as a "mythical activity in which people believe they can perform two or more tasks simultaneously as effectively as one''. Attempting to apply yourself to too many tasks at once scatters your ability and concentration. When focusing on a single task, and giving it your full attention, you're more likely to be successful in producing a high quality result and increase internal levels of satisfaction.

• Be grateful. What is good in your life right now? Remember, simply searching for something to be grateful for can trigger the release of feel-good neurotransmitters: see "Feeling scientific'' The Weekend Mix, October 8, 2016. But more than that, being grateful helps to focus your attention and allow you to appreciate more deeply what you do have rather than focusing on what you don't have. FOMO is fear of not having something that you think is necessary for your wellbeing. Gratitude allows you to notice what's good in your life right now, in this moment, where life is actually going on.