Dear Uncle Norm, this insurance thing is driving me to distraction

Bill Gates. Photo: Reuters
Bill Gates. Photo: Reuters
We've almost solved the scandal of the stolen Uncle Norm letters. My techo chap is nearly 61% sure we've tracked down all correspondence that the Russians hacked from my Uncle's Agony Aunt website. (It's confidential - for VIPs only).

Ever since this outrage, our policy has been to protect our clients from Fake News scoops, by giving spoilers to the always-truthful Wit's End column. Thus the following correspondence is perhaps (maybe, conceivably, or for the time being), the last of the Uncle Norm Letters.

Dear Uncle Norm,

I am arranging a self-drive New Zealand tour for 30 VIPs from our Ministry of Agrarian Reform (Jiangson Province). We are approaching this adventure with suitable caution. Only those who passed our Highway Bicycle Test have been issued with Grade A driving licences. Several who failed to ring their bell before running over pedestrians received Grade Bs, which restrict them to camper vans. We are instructing all to keep strictly to the right in your country, to give way to sheep when necessary, and to never exceed 60kmh whilst taking selfies.

While your government has been most encouraging, we are encountering difficulties obtaining travel insurance. Do you have any suggestions? - Xing Ping Dong, Departmental Secretary.

Xing, Has nobody told you that at this time of year our dear friends across the Tasman offer far better holiday deals than us? I urge you - investigate Australia! (Their deserts are the envy of all).

Failing that? I'm afraid I've found little enthusiasm for your venture amongst travel insurers.

Dear Uncle Norm,

With the fuss marking the 50th anniversary of Sergeant Pepper, I am again insulted by the lack of appreciation of my vocal contribution to our group. It is I who hums in the background during ''When I'm 64''. (It's NOT a saxophone!). And of course, c'est moi goes solo (!) on With a Little Help From My Friends. What can I do about this? - Ringo Starr.


Do? You should do what you did with great success during most Beatles recording sessions. That is - keep your trap shut. Frankly I have no sympathy for a chap who ends up marrying a Bond girl - a bird right up there with other 007 legends like Pussy Galore, Plenty O'Toole, and Dame Judi Dench.

(Sorry if I seem a sourpuss. Go ahead and enjoy the celebrations. Remember - you're only old once).

Dear Uncle Norm,

I am used to being spoken to immediately when I call Presidents, Prime Ministers, and Popes. But recently I've encountered a disturbing new trend. When I phone and say I'm from Microsoft, they utter the most fearful oaths, and hang up. Have you any idea what's happening? - Bill Gates.

Bill, please accept my sincere apologies. I too hung up six times last week when I received your Microsoft call telling me my computer is about to crash - and end life as I know it. If I'd realised it was you Bill, I'd never have yelled: ''Shove off, you lying, cheating, ****! (I presume the Pope said much the same?)

By the way, congrats on that spiffing Indian accent. It's terribly well done!

Dear Uncle Norm,

Russia demands you immediately cease publishing your lies claiming we have hacked your Agony Aunt website. Why would we bother with such espionage when we have a direct line to ''Bigmouth'' Donald Trump? If you persist with your farragoes we will release your internet correspondence with ''Tamara, 21 year old Russian blonde''.

FYI, young ''Tamara'' is Tamara Press, the suspected hermaphrodite shot-putter who won gold at the 1960 Rome Olympics. (Ms Press ''retired'' shortly before the Olympics whingers introduced gender checking). She subsequently received the Order of Lenin, and is now a chipper 80. Suck on that! - Second Secretary, Russian Embassy.

Sir, You appear to be suffering a dreadful misapprehension. The Tamara I am corresponding with is a charming young manicurist from Omsk. She urgently needs funds so she can travel to Australia for the next Miss Universe. I'm worried how an innocent like Tamara will manage in a den of vice such as Sydney. But nonetheless, if you insist.

John Lapsley is an Arrowtown writer.

Comments

Leaked chatter

Well done Tovarich Hackersky, hero of the Russian Federation! If only we could have seen Agonia Auntsky's Face!