Giving up the trousers and fully surrendering

John Lapsley

The Male of the Species is realising the new breed of Feminazis  are  unstoppable, that they will triumph, and will take no prisoners.

If men are to maintain any position in society — as restroom attendants, or perhaps ball boys — they must run up the white flag, and seek liveable peace terms.

This dawned on me while I was watching one of the "Churchill saves the world" movies. Because Churchill wouldn’t chuck in the towel, he brought disaster crashing down on common people. If this preening old blowhard had surrendered in 1940, Europe wouldn’t have been bombed flat, the Brits would speak good German, and the excellent Nuremburg rallies would have enjoyed another 20 sell-out seasons.

So, in the spirit of Neville Chamberlain, I flew to the Feminazi Generals’ lair to grovel for peace in our time. The mission began badly when I left the toilet seat up and asked if they knew the cricket score, but eventually the Generals dispatched me home with their terms for the Unconditional Surrender by Men. I have recorded these faithfully:

1 There will be a One Thousand Year Imperium, governed by a supreme body called The Anti Sexism Tribunal. To ensure harmony, the sexes will be represented equally on the Tribunal. There will be six women tribunes, and six chosen by the LGBTQI community. (One for each letter).

2 It is an eternal truth that every women is a sister of the universe. Lost girls who are not yet members of the Sisterhood must report for immediate training in the New Feminism. The first arrested (whoops, "welcomed") will be PM Ardern, who humiliated her sex by dressing up for a Vogue shoot. Women’s Re-Education sites will have amnesty bins at their gates, into which incoming trainees will drop all cosmetics, Jenny Craig brochures, and foolish undergarments.

3 As women will wear the pants, men will turn in their trousers by the 30th of the month.

4 Where men are granted passes to appear in public, they shall wear a coat carrying a large yellow Y Chromosome badge. They must warn of their presence in the street by ringing a bell and chanting "Unclean". An extensive reprint of The Lepers Handbook has been ordered.

5 The Tribunal will enact Safe Space legislation. Trains and buses will have cordoned rear areas that offer standing room for men. Males will however, have the right to sit at the front in cinemas. To maintain a disease-free society, there will be separate public drinking fountains.

6 Hotels and clubs must provide their customers Safe Spaces. This will be achieved by reverting to Men Only bars, which must be hosed out each evening.

7 Urinals will be redesigned so that they are more comfortable to sit on.

8 Hen’s and Buck’s parties are permitted.  Wardens will police Buck’s Parties to ensure entertainers are not leered at, touched, or egged on to The Full Monty.

9 Criminal Law will forbid Mansplaining by males in courts. The Law will now allow three verdicts: Not Guilty, Guilty, or Inappropriate. Legal argument may be conducted via Twitter. The now established #MeToo standards of evidence (guilty unless proved innocent) will apply.

10 The Family Law Act will include a Gold Digger’s Clause. This will protect older women from being targeted by fortune-hunting young males.

11 KiwiBank will open a division titled The Sperm Savings Bank. The Ministry for Agriculture will provide the bank with mechanised Milking Depots. Men will voluntarily report to their nearest depot once per quarter. (On Donation Days men will be entitled to a bus ticket, two dollars, and a biscuit).

12 Schools must destroy any remaining bike sheds. This is as per the dictum: "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Gender Councillors will help boys understand that it is possible to have masculinity cured, or that at the very worst, they can be treated for its effects.

13 For the time being, all rugby teams will be mixed sex. The referee must be notified within 40 years of any non-consensual tackle.

14 The Imperium may be challenged by unreconstructed members of both sexes. Such deviants will be detained in work camps — however demand for camp space is expected to be modest. In New Zealand, for example, space would be required for no more than 4.6 million unteachables.

- John Lapsley is an Arrowtown writer.