A ''Confucius say'' joke list landed in my inbox, and maybe got dumped in yours too. As Confucius say: ''Spamguard no protect when friends send idiot jokes.''
But I like the Confucius-say joke formula of wonky wisdoms wrung from tortured Oriental English. My Confucius says include: Man who make mistake in elevator wrong at many levels. Man who jumps off cliff leaps to conclusion. Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient. All pithier than Plato, and as deep as Donald Duck.
The Confucius jokes arrived with a caricature of an Oriental wise man - the whole package almost certainly spread from a new type of website called a meme generator.
The British evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins invented the word ''meme'' so he could echo ''gene'' when comparing genetic evolution with the way ideas, catchphrases and fashions evolve. Like genes, memes mutate, reproduce and flourish - or become extinct - depending on their strength and environment. Synonyms of meme include trend, idea and buzzword.
Bullet bras and cars with huge tail fins were '50s fashion memes that were born, copied, flourished and eventually became extinct.
''No worries'' is an ockerism that jumped the ditch, multiplied and ate the old ''good as gold''. The internet is a meme drag strip which breeds and spreads memes faster than rabbits on speed.
The Oxford English Dictionary's boffins had no choice but let ''meme'' itself evolve to include ''an image, video, piece of text etc, typically humorous, that is copied and spread rapidly by internet users''.
If you want to change world culture, don't spend years redesigning punk or writing a trombone concerto, just dump a bunch of blonde jokes on to a meme generator site. They may infect the world in a fortnight.
I doubt Confucius had considered the meme idea 2500 years ago when he pronounced his ''Analects'' - a long list of life wisdoms which emphasise virtues like duty, study, filial piety and masturbating twice before battle. Some (no, not all - order please!) of these behaviour memes remain the bedrock of today's Confucian societies - the Chinese, Japanese and Koreans.
They must have worked well. IQ tests show the average American is 10% dumber than a Confucian citizen. The five best countries in maths, reading - and swotting - are all Confucian. In ladies' golf rankings, six of the Rolex top 10 are from Confucian cultures.
Could this be connected to discipline and daughterly respect of golf parents? Don't ask me. Try Lydia Ko.
With all this evidence of the might of Confucianism I suspect the Chinese are getting very annoyed by disrespectful Confucius-say jokes. They must seem the same as ridiculing God, Allah, Shiva or Richie McCaw. I presume there's already a team of Chinese internet hackers called from the task of penetrating the Pentagon, and sent on a new project.
''Your job is to counter the `Confucius Say' plot,'' a four star general announced.
''We will bombard the West's meme generators with Jehovah jokes and mullah musings. They'll spread round the world and wipe out disrespectful Confucius humour. This is now official policy. Ideas please.''
There was an uncertain pause.
''How about Jesus saves pennies?'' a timorous voice at the back suggested.
''That's a start,'' said the general kindly.
''But really, I need more edge. Try harder.''
''Your mullahs are sound material,'' offered another programmer.
''Why not: 'mad mullah say death to all fanatics'. Or: 'suicide bomber right because no body left'.''
A nerd hidden behind triple-strength spectacles chipped in.
''And Jehovah is promising. The Bible's Book of Proverbs has Jehovah zingers. It's believed the proverbs are actually the wisdom of the Jewish king Solomon, so we could launch a `Solomon Says' meme virus.
''Fantastic! We'll go with Solomon Says. How do we start?'' enthused the general.
The nerd scratched his head, controlled his tic and gave him his best.
''Solomon says: 'Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a woman with no discretion'.''
There was a stunned silence. A comrade fainted. The nerd, embarrassed, explained: ''It's not me - it's Solomon. He's a bit old-fashioned, like Confucius. Look, instead we could try: 'Like a thorn bush in a drunkard's hand is a proverb in the mouth of a fool'.''
''From the mouths of fools?'' the general pondered.
''You lot just won your promotion. Somewhere there's a place called New Zealand. Your job is now hacking the phone in their sentry box.
''Dismissed. We'll start with the State Writers' Guild tomorrow.''
• John Lapsley is an Arrowtown writer.
