Confidence is nurtured

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There's a push to teach resilience in schools, but resilience is just another name for self-confidence, and confidence is something that's nurtured rather than taught, Ian Munro writes.

Ian Munro

It's a chicken or egg thing. Self-confidence is as much the result of succeeding at things, as it is the cause of success.

It grows inside children as they learn to do things for themselves and as they learn how to handle life and have success at doing it. And success breeds success.

It means, as parents, that we need to provide lots of opportunities for our youngsters to try things and test themselves in a safe, caring environment - at the beach, in the park, up the apple tree. As I've said before, children can't try new things or test their abilities and capabilities in front of a screen.

And, for young children, it also means lots of non-material love such as hugs, playing together, positive comments. It means parents setting consistent expectations, rules and consequences, thereby creating the security of boundaries for behaviour.

There should be the expectation that they be fully responsible members of the family unit, contributing in an age-appropriate way. In other words, they should have chores to do.

Finally, as they get older it means allowing them to make decisions on appropriate matters and expecting them to take responsibility for those decisions.

Show affection in what you say and do - ``I love you'', ``I really like you'', ``You're OK''; and smile, wink, touch, nudge and hug when appropriate.

Address them by their name and don't label them ``James, he's asthmatic''; ``Mary, she's so shy''. The label can end up becoming their identifier.

Be specific with praise. Say exactly what it is about what was done and how it was done that you like. Show approval for considerate and co-operative behaviour towards others.

Approval for good things done is a must as it balances disapproval or criticisms for mistakes or misbehaviour that constantly surrounds them. However, be aware that constant praise when undeserved will be quickly picked up for what it is and will devalue the effect of genuine praise. Not every little thing they do is ``awesome''.

The result should be a youngster who is unlikely to be habitually anxious and instead will increasingly be able to act independently; assume responsibility; be proud of accomplishments and accept praise; feel happy about new challenges; feel able to express a range of emotions; and be able to handle disappointments and frustration.

Children with good self-confidence seem to get on better with others. They are less dependent on others for recognition, tend to be less affected by the verbal rough and tumble of their peers, are more self-motivated and can stand up for themselves.